I was in a group conversation the other day and I was aware that not often enough do we speak about components of a healthy relationship. Atleast we don’t talk about it as much as we tend to talk about and see articles of unhealthy dynamics in a relationships. Although I most certainly discuss healthy dynamics in the sessions with clients I thought it would be good to write a blog purely about typical healthy dynamics to model in a relationship. Here are just a few to think about and reflect on for you.

Building a healthy relationship with yourself first.

To pull back from enmeshment in a relationship it’s really important to think about your own personal foundations and where they are up to How is your routine around exercise, eating, sleeping. Also do you feel in the drivers seat of your life. This space is sometimes called self connection. Individual counselling really helps to get this. People can get this for themselves though via routines of meditation, journal writing about just how they are and therefore allowing potential issues to pop up. This can also involve things like learning to own your own state too as Tony Robbins speaks about. I wrote a blog myself on his work too. It seems the case (and I believe) that the most healthy and empowered we are in ourselves and the sense of our own autonomy the more likely we are to be able to be in a healthy relationship.

Healthy relationship communication. Talk like adults.

This may seem obvious but it’s so often overlooked. The adult communication type can only be put on top of the good relationship with ourselves. Key components of adult communication types are: assertive, honest, time appropriate, and addressing our wants and needs. People often drift into disempowered types where we are being over dominant and forceful (parent type) or being too passive and not getting our needs met (child).

By looking after ourselves we are best able to enter into this space where we can communicate like adults. I always think honesty is particularly the key word here if I was to choose one. When we can be honest about how we feel and what we want in relationships we are able to have difficult conversations as and when needed and this consequentially shows the truth of the relationship.

The Importance of Regular Communication.

There’s an expression ‘like ships passing in the night’. This is a common issue I find many of the couples I see having. They’re not just not communicating in the adult way but they are not even communicating at all. I remember seeing a conversation with clinical Psychologist Jordan Peterson and he said he’s always give an idea to couples of just making sure that over the course of the week they are just talking for 90 minutes. You may be surprised how many people aren’t doing this and what a difference it makes.

These three things I’ve mentioned so far tend to all blend into one another. There’s commonly a lacking relationship in grounding with oneself, then frustration occuring and not showing up in the adult communication style described, and then a withdraw to not really speaking at all.

By just being in a habit of talking from this honest adult space for this minimum time per week while being grounded in ourselves two things occur. For one we are in our own driving seat to express things we may want to do e.g. the next date or where one sees the relationship heading. Secondly we are in the space where we are showing up and expressing any kinds of concerns which are arising.

By doing these three things we are in a space of looking after ourselves and just in a state of presence and healthy vulnerability in the relationship.

Strengthening Your Relationship with Weekly Date Nights

Going alongside the 90 minutes of just talking each week is having a date. Now don’t overthink this and immediately think extravagant. You don’t even need to go out if you don’t want to. Just think of it as you are speaking to one another and working on your relationship that you can potentially have a conversation to discuss something mutually agreeable which you will both find enjoyable that week.

Many couples drift here into the over thinking it all. Maybe if the relationship really isn’t meant to be then you won’t be able to agree on something. If you can both think though of what brought you together? What did you used to do together that you’re not so much now ? Just some time watching a show or movie together with a drink can often be a great start here for people I’ve found. Here we can build the couple foundations up again.

Using the 5-to-1 Principle to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

There’s a statistician who became a couples therapist called John Gottman. He came up with a stat that healthy relationships must have a 5 – 1 ratio of compliments versus criticisms. Very often when couples see me they have drifted towards much greater criticism. It can take discipline to pull this back. Often I try to help clients get to 8 – 1 compliments to criticisms. Obviously, you can’t force this, but if you want to be together, you can likely find something. It may take time, but once this becomes a habit—while also making different requests—you can build a strong new foundation.

What Can You Give to Improve Your Healthy Relationship?

This is the final one for now and an important one. Often I hear complaints ‘He needs to change’ ‘If she would just etc’. Sometimes I find myself telling my clients how I’m not a judge. My job is to support and facilitate to try to help you to find a good mutual direction. I realise so far I’ve spoke about the grounding yourself and making your requests. This is of course very important.

A counter question which can often cover this too is thinking what else you can give to the relationship. Doing this can often break defences and the respective other can often feel and receive this. This can also open the door to a more vulnerable discussion if the offer isn’t welcomed. Hopefully though we can get to some place where you are both filling each others cup in the relationship as well as importantly filling your own with your self work.

The Ideal Healthy Relationship: More Than the Sum of Its Parts

The ideal in a relationship is when the couple in the relationship become more than the sum of the individual parts. Whereas we need to have our no’s in place of what isn’t acceptable we also need to keep thinking about what we can give and invest. By having a healthy relationship with ourselves first we are better able to extend well to the other person. In relationships we may well do things which we wouldn’t do if we were single. This is where the sweet spot is though. There’s a space which isn’t your ‘no’ box but a space where we are willing to give and invest (some say compromise) and see how through this something again more than the sum of the parts is created.

I wish you all the best with creating healthy relationships. If I can help then feel free to reach out to me. My in person sessions are at Highland Park Community House in Auckland and my online sessions are via zoom.

Take care

Phil Walker

Provisional member of the New Zealand Association of Counsellors

021 058 3234

www.newbeginningstherapy.co.nz

philip@newbeginningstherapy.co.nz

Book in a session with me here