This week I spoke with my counselling mentor and supervisor to gain more insight around relationships and couples. An important distinction was created which I am using more in my work with clients. It was obvious but was one of those things that needed to be spelled out before it became more integrated in me as an idea.

This was to constantly make a distinction between connection and relationship and to see that no matter how much of a connection someone may have with someone that it does not necessarily mean that a relationship is the best way forward.

It is said that in relationships particularly at the start rather than an attitude which can be good in areas of life of ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ it can be a good idea to blow up things that may be going on to be able to think about how this may look further down the line. It’s easy to become enchanted and overlook things that may not work for us in an actual ‘relationship’ due to parts of the ‘connection’ we are feeling.

A great connection does not always equate in any ways to a great relationship. My supervisor put it bluntly as ‘you can still have a great connection with an axe murderer’. A relationship would certainly not be a good idea.

It is good to blow up certain things that may cause issues and to make steady traction to see if other than a connection whether this is something which can develop into a relationship. Slowing down intercourse can be a good idea some psychologists say for around 2 months to allow this process to happen. After that it becomes must more difficult to be able to go back and retract feelings from connection felt which may have then just gone into relationship without as much conscious choice as could have taken place.

In the connection phase there can be a lot of interaction and attraction with unconscious material between 2 people. Therefore although it can feel amazing it’s important to acknowledge that this can often be an interplay of wounds and issues. Healthy relationships often go well from being very slow burning. While chemistry is great it can definitely be a warning sign to make sure you are taking things slowly before going into a relationship.

The book ‘families and how to survive them’ by Cleese and Skinner is good for discussing different family dynamics and how they impact in relationships. The book in the photo good is often a well recommended text for couples too and how we bring out things in the other person that we may be needing on an unconscious level.

The important main point though… connection and relationship as distinct and separate. Have a great day everyone