I always remember when I studied Counselling and reading a book by Geoffrey Massan who said that therapy should be abolished. His view was that therapy is by it’s nature abusive. He had barely any conclusion as to what would replace it other than saying that people should make better friendship groups.

His views are generally not well accepted although he did make some good points around actual abuse eg sexual etc which had taken place at points which obviously need serious attention.

I find though that this sometimes comes up with clients whereas they see their friends/partners ‘should’ be able to do things for them.

There is innocence in this but it really needs to be gently nurtured out.

In therapy we focus on making interdependent relationships. 

Two people who are in touch with their own realities, making requests to one another, while being empathic, assertive, etc. We look at building H shape relationships (interdependent) rather than A shape (which are codependent)

We each have our own shadow and this is something people work on in therapy. Shadows are these part of ourselves which we don’t like so much. 

The courage of someone in therapy is the willingness to self examine then grow from this. After a process of therapy people can own their own shadow and build better relationships.

When people overly use friends/partners for all needed support this is where their shadows are inappropriately being put onto the other person. This moves into A shape relationships and causes intensity, disturbance and codependence.

We all need to do shadow work. This can be done with a therapist, it can be done via journaling (allowing a processing of icky feelings), also in close friendships a level of it being let out as additional support is wonderful.

If you are feeling distressed in some ways then having a friend/partner support network is fantastic but it is really important to acknowledge these feelings that are impacting your life and to reach out for therapeutic support. 

It’s time now to take away any stigma of therapy and know that all it is is a good shadow practice which we all may need now and again which is complimented by but never replaced by friendships and relationships.

Have a great day ! 

🙂
Phil J Walker

I have probably wrote about this before but felt it needed another visit after having a wake up call about it in the last few days. The idea of working on the shadow was first brought into Psychology by one of my heroes ‘Carl Jung’. The shadow is all the disowned parts of ourselves, the parts we wished weren’t there. The anger, frustration, resentment. Whatever it is lies outside our conscious awareness. It’s not that these things are bad things in themselves. No emotions are actually bad. They’re just things which are uncomfortable for us. People who come to therapy are often being quite troubled with their shadow. These disturbances are often popping up to the point where people don’t know what to do with them and the validation of therapy and exercises such as journaling help the release of these things and thereby an integration into the overall self.

Renowned Philosopher Ken Wilber speaks about shadow work and it’s importance as an ongoing part of our personal and spiritual growth. He splits our overall integral life practice as he calls it into components of mind, body, spirit, shadow. Mind is naturally things like reading, discussion, etc. Body can involve weights, running, etc. Spirit would be maybe meditation or mindfulness. His great book Integral Life Practice covers this all in detail and the importance of having modules in each area to keep moving forward towards a more enlightened integral life. There isn’t any right or wrong and it can all just be tailor made for us.

If you’re disowning your shadow it will likely be popping up at points but you are not acknowledging it for what it is. It is only by embracing it that we can keep moving forward towards greater authenticity. Ken Wilber discusses the common mistake in shadow disowning and how this is commonly a factor in spirituality of the east. He says how it is quite common for so called enlightened people to still have big shadows. He says that it is the wests main contribution to studies of enlightenment to acknowledge the shadow and shadow work.

In a recent post I saw a quote by Jung even equating shadow work to a metaphor of Jesus on the cross. He said that how the 2 thieves, one on each side of Jesus symbolise the shadow which is owned (the one which goes to heaven) and the other which is disowned goes to hell.

It’s really important to keep reflecting on our own innocence and know we are by nature fundamentally flawed and were never meant to be perfect. That is our beauty as humans.

I have recently been speaking with clients in my counselling work who are being supportive to people with severe mental health issues in their work and have been experiencing burnout mixed with a disowned shadow of ‘but its them with the problems, I shouldn’t feel burned out and frustrated.’ By allowing these uncomfortable feelings to come forward and be acknowldged more progress has been able to occur.

In the last few days I experienced a similar thing which I’m now feeling ‘somewhat’ better about. In my new business I have been hugely engaged in mind and spirit. I have been excelling in those areas. Then suddenly I had a huge bubble up of frustration from shadow. This frustration of people not responding exactly how I would like. I got really pissed off about it. I hated it at first but then expressed it. It’s still coming out now and it’s feeling so much better. To know that this is all okay and is just my shadow and there’s beauty and innocence in that. This release in then going hand in hand with my overall vision of authenticity and personal growth in people coming into my new work. Mixed in with this too so it isn’t just always so light and fluffy there is the important acknleledgement of my own and the shadows of others as the important component of growth. That gritty and messy part which is important to us all on our joureys.

Best wishes everyone….. and work on your shadow

PS Psychotherapy is particularly useful form of shadow work, as is journal writing and also an exercise called the 3 2 1 shadow practice you can find online.

Here is a small youtube video which explains shadow work. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeK4AYG5Kqs

There aren’t any hard and fast rules for choosing a therapist.  It’s best a case of searching online or having a recommendation from someone then exploring and see if the person seems to vibe with you.  Have a look though at the specialties they offer.  I for example have a niche focus in helping people to recover from destructive relationships.  Look through the Counsellors’ information and see if they have a particular niche area where it is you are exploring within yourself.  It can also be good to look at the style of the Counsellor.  I work as an integrative therapist whereas I work to get a supportive grounding in the session of empathy and trust then work sometimes with cognitive behavioural therapy and also with transactional analysis where we look at ways you may be going into a child role or more of a parent role in life.  Look at the style which the therapist uses then do a quick google search to see if this feels aligned for you.

It’s good to keep in mind that the main indicator of successful therapy is the relationship between therapist and client.  If you just don’t connect with a therapist then that’s all okay.  You have the right as a client to find a therapist who fits well for you.  If you’ve taken the step to get therapy then it is important to follow through this step effectively to really get you on the best possible track moving forward.

People sometimes just want to work on themselves to get better or to achieve new goals.  Sometimes there is an intuition that life isn’t quite as you would like it to be.  If you’re reading this then it seems fair to think that you must have some interest in Counselling for whatever reason.  If you then keep in mind that counselling is a resource to use, amongst others which can help you to feel better.  Having a good friend base is great and important, having good self care strategies and any kind of good community is also a good thing.  In Counselling we always work on trying to increase the level of self love so just ask yourself if I loved myself would I speak to someone about this thing that is bothering me?  This can be a good trick for the mind since it is immediately engaging with a greater level of self love by asking oneself this question.  An answer of yes can then take you to therapy or a no means that you are in fact okay for now with other resources you may have.

Typical issues people can come to counselling for can be anxiety, depression, or again a more general feeling that things aren’t quite right and this can be explored out in the therapy session.  There is often some level of a low mood throughout, a feeling of being less than, some kind of frustration and perhaps a lack of meaning in day to day activities.

I offer therapy session from Birkdale and from Remuera.  I see individuals of all ages and also work with couples and families.  I also run a mental health discussion page and a forum to support people recovering from destructive relationships.  I have a blog also on my page covering different issues which you may find helpful.  Please feel free to browse my site and use anything supportive you may find and if you feel like Counselling may be for you then please give me a call, text or e-mail.  I am happy to offer a free 30 minute session by phone even if requested.  It is important never to suffer in silence.

Kind regards

Phil

I had always knew I was a sensitive person. I had a lot of Counselling myself in 2002 to 2003 a few years before becoming a therapist. It was only in my therapist training from 2005 I became aware of the concept of actually being ‘a highly sensitive person’ as an actual thing. Elaine Arons’ book ‘The highly sensitive person’ (https://www.bookdepository.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Elaine-N-Aron/9780553062182?a_aid=philwalker) was really resonating and I’d imagine for many people is a profound read.

The book goes into how sensitivity is as we know typically seen as some sort of defect. The idea of being too sensitive etc. However it becomes clearer through Arons’ work that sensitivity is a trait which just is. 30 % of the population are said to have a more highly sensitive nervous system. This is neither a good or a bad thing. It’s just a thing.

The book is really helpful for seeing what this all means and noticing our archilles heal of over arousal and learning to manage this. Sensitive people prefer quieter spaces, calmer environments. They are more prone to feeling frazzled. With this though they are more attentive to subtle changes and pick up on things those who are less sensitive would not.

This book really helps to instill a good sense of meaning in the life of the highly sensitive person and to realise that there isn’t anything wrong with them. It’s really great to be able to identify with other people who are clearly highly sensitive e.g. Abraham Lincoln, Carl Jung (one of my main heroes).

Many people who come to Counselling are highly sensitive I have found which makes sense due to the rejection from the world they are more likely to have experienced. Highly sensitive people also naturally feel things more deeply.
Knowing you are a highly sensitive person allows a greater management of your life and also a sense of pride in knowing you are not defective you are just you with your flaws and your own sense of purpose you can create.

The book also has a good section where it speaks about standing up for your sensitivity. Being able to talk about there not being anything wrong with you but just that you are sensitive and there are certain things you may prefer to the less sensitive person and also how you offer certain good things to the world through this trait.

I’ve been Vegan since 2012. Just coming up to my 6 year anniversary. It was a great lifestyle change and something that now just feels totally natural. It was a time I got involved with a personal and spiritual development group (which I’m still well involved with). The teachings are mainly Buddhist and Taoist and there is an emphasis on compassionate living. You weren’t pressured to do anything but a lot of people there were vegetarian or vegan and it was seen to be an overall better way to go.

I decided to be vegetarian for a month and to see how it felt. It felt easy and I immediately felt loads lighter in my body when I was running (I’d just joined an off road running group at that time too). It was 6 weeks later I made the transition to being Vegan. It just seemed the obvious next step. My skin immediately felt loads clearer. I think from the impact of consuming dairy I must’ve had an intolerance to.

My world seemed to really change. I felt so much more me. It was as if my whole path of personal growth had just come through to a whole new dimension. It was like a veil had been lifted. There’s a common reference in the Vegan community to the movie the Matrix where Neo can take one of two pills. One of which leads to the real world and the other to stay where he is. It actually felt that dramatic. It was as if before I was just clouded and this was now reality.

In my spiritual development group they often spoke about our true selves being like a pool of water with rocks being taken out as we make progress. This was how it felt. In my spiritual group analogy there is the idea mixed with Buddhist teachings that more vegetarian based diets are more connected to what is seen to be truer selfhood than those with meat. In Buddhist teachings it is seen to be better karma to be vegetarian. I’m not sure exactly what my personal stance is here but I do feel that there is a lot of truth in the idea of cognitive dissonance and the idea that people are not really seeing meat for what it actually is. The idea of the natural connection being lost. Analogies are made of it always being our natural instinct to support and protect animals when we see them in day to day life anywhere other than a plate.

I started to become more disgusted by the thought of eating meat and started to just see a dead animal when I saw it around me. It was powerful and at the same time really quite distressing, it was as if blinkers had been taken off. I actually had a really dark phase for a period of time mixed with feeling really angry with the world. This actually went on for around 8 months. I was working with my usual Counselling mentor and doing all my general back to basics personal development reading I usually did when I was in a bad phase but I wasn’t shaking it and coming through this time. It was really quite difficult. Although the change felt so natural and easy on some level it was clear that the stuff it was bringing up and the actual transformation to newer me was a really big thing to ultimately integrate. I thought of the Psychology idea of the dark night of the soul. Like a real death taking place.

It was after 8 months of being Vegan I moved to a Vegan house. It was actually a real relief. Although my veganism has all calmed down now at the time I found meat around me to be severely distressing. I’ll never forget a strange feeling I had when I lived in Schnapper Rock on a morning I smelled bacon cooking. At first I experienced the part salivating feeling I used to get when I smelled bacon, following this I had images of pigs in factory farms and actually felt physically sick. It was strange to experience both. I do feel this is cognitive dissonance in full effect.

I watched the movie Earthlings (which I will never watch again) showing the whole process of factory farming and words of Paul Mccartney who said ‘If slaughter houses had glass walls everyone would be vegetarian) seemed really resonating. I felt like all my eating meat had just been robotic and conditioned. It was strange to think back on my reputation when I lived in South Korea in early 2000s of having pork barbeques and as someone quoted ‘eating a whole pig every time I went out.’

I remember my birthday in April 2013 and it being a point where I felt like the cloud had lifted and like I was just feeling better and more solid and grounded in my new self and in my new home. It just happened all of a sudden. I spoke with my mentor who said I sounded as good or better than I’d ever seemed. Following that I actually experienced what I’m happy to say was the best year of my life up to that point. I made lots of cool friends in the vegan community and felt like I had a whole new and deeper life in ways. I felt more compassionate and more connected. I really enjoyed eating more than ever too and felt super healthy. I finished my first marathon in 2013 and did it again the year after. I felt the healthiest I’d ever been I think with it going hand in hand with interest in nutrition I hadn’t really had before. When I finished the first marathon I could’ve carried on another 10k I was so obsessed with my diet and the training!! 🙂 I felt amazing.

I attended a protest at one stage against a horrible rodeo which was going on in Auckland. It was totally gross to see what was being done to animals there and the mentality of some of the people there. It was just over a year after becoming Vegan I had my one and only tattoo on my back. I wanted some symbol of that time. It was something I thought I’d probably never do but I started to become really interested in them and the idea of part of your soul on your body. I did it and felt great with it. It’s a sun with 7 rays signifying the 7 chakras. The sun has tonnes of symbolism around birth death and rebirth. In the sun there’s a labyrinth mandala which symbolises the life journey and searching for the best way through. It was done with vegan ink of course 🙂 Some ink incredibly has animal bone char in.

I had strange feelings during this time of chakra opening in my body I read about. As I continue my personal growth I continue my interest in chakras and do think about veganism as being perhaps more spiritual in ways, but I’m not sure of this yet.

I realised later on though how it wasn’t all as rosy as I thought. Whereas I still love being Vegan and can’t imagine ever changing I started to notice things that just didn’t connect with me at all. I blogged a while ago about a really known vegan person called Gary Yeorovsky who was hugely sexist and generally vile in his rhetoric while somewhat revered by members of the community. I started to notice this real sense of militism in it’s following which I felt for me was actually destructive to the whole generally positive idea. I felt like whereas some sort of angry phase is pretty fair and natural that some people don’t really ever leave that. It seems that veganism seems to become some sort of end in itself rather than being a cool thing to do which stabalises into a whole sense of just being oneself. That’s how I grew to see it anyway. There was one point I was practically bullied off a facebook page for giving the mere suggestion that not all people may be able to be vegan.

A good friend of mine who’s interested in Chinese medicine and spirituality said how a journey of personal growth can often start with compassion which ultimately needs to stabalise in other virtues like mindfulness for it all to continue it’s cycle. I couldn’t help but feel that somehow there was a sense of stuckness in some areas of veganism I was witnessing.

These days my veganism is just a cool part of me. It was a great change and I can’t ever imagine changing back. I think it’s a great way of life for anyone seeking to be more compassionate and also can be super healthy if you do it right. I linked a pretty cool book here which in my view is pretty well balanced and helped me on my journey. :). Becoming vegan was a year of my life I will always remember.

https://www.bookdepository.com/Becoming-Vegan-Express-Brenda-Davis/9781570672958?a_aid=philwalker

Yesterday I had an angel alchemy session with my new colleague and friend Lamanda Brown. Check her out online. She is an Angelolgist. It’s very unusual work for me which I’ve found super interesting as I keep up personal development and working to expand my knowledge. At the end of our session she provided me with a statement to work with to keep reflecting on in our lives…

To ask yourself ‘If I loved myself I would…’ I found this really intriguing statement to use for ourselves. As a therapist I work with clients in the area of self compassion constantly. Some people like the recently passed Louise Hay purely worked on self love as the primary essence of her work whereas she got people to look into a mirror and see what they could say about themselves and eventually plant new seeds to foster change.

I feel to ask yourself the question above is a wonderful small trick for the mind. It works by challenging the subconscious which can be geared to a lack of self love. I’ve used it myself in the last few days. In fact even last night it was my reason to delay writing this until today after my hard day of work.

So when you’re thinking about a relationship and whether it’s worth your time or in your general life management just keep asking yourself this question while remembering the more you can get a healthy self love the more you will be operating from your own organismic valuing process and working towards being your best self.

That’s all. Have a pleasant evening everyone

I have experienced, and clients often speak to me about the subtlety of narcissistic abuse. This is part of the evil and the damage it does. It has been referred to and compared to a slow torture like Chinese water torture. A constant subtle eroding of esteem doing more and more damage. People often say how due to the subtlety it is very difficult to speak to anyone (other than a therapist) about it. Telling people could likely elicit responses of ‘this is you’ or ‘don’t worry about it’. It is here that listening to our intuition and following through our emotional process of knowing we are worthy of feeling safe is absolutely vital.

A client once spoke to me about subtle jibes which they made clear to the abuser felt uncomfortable. The perpetrator would always respond by saying that this was a joke. It was easy in this situation for the perpetrator to get political support with this from others. Remember that if you find something uncomfortable you have a right to ask this to stop and for it to be respected, regardless of how someone may ‘objectively’ justify it. It’s all about our feeling reality at the end of the day. This client found the energy drain of this incredible as if part of their soul was constantly being blocked from expression and somehow being taken away from them.

Narcissists’ are masters at ‘looking like’ a good person and ‘appearing’ righteous. My client on the surface lost a lot by following through their own organic process with this. They detached from a lot more supeficial friends but through this experience were able to go through their own amazing process and today while still having some throwback experiences with others live a lifestyle more authentic to the one they ever would have lived has the pattern continued. Today they are wonderfully energised and live a creative life fully on their own terms and walk their own integral path and feel free. They have more in tune dreams and are dedicated to their own growth. This has been perhaps my most exciting case to illustrate this kind of point. They give their permission for me to mention in this very general way btw.

I believe our biggest learnings come from overcoming abuse from Narcissists’. The personal and spiritual development can be absolutely extraordinary. Always notice subtleties and remember this is part of the evil. Scott Peck in ‘People of the lie’ (https://www.bookdepository.com/People-Lie-M-Scott-Peck/9780099728603?a_aid=philwalker) discusses this well. Remember you are only human and you have a right to be you and walk your own path to becoming the best version of yourself.

The DSM 5 is the psychiatric manual which looks at what is pathological in the way of mental health. Pathological mental health is typically when someone is in a cycle of behaviour which is destructive to themselves and/or others. Narcissistic personality disorder which is a particular interest of mine for example obviously hurts and demeans other people. Within this cycle to the perpetrator has a dark shadow which they are lost in and are not able to see the light and integrate their issue.

There is typically not enough in my view wrote about what constitutes healthy mental health. I feel in many respects we are still locked in the lack of sickness model rather than the real moving into the thriving space. I feel there is a huge issue with this being seen as pretentious and too much etc etc but I feel it is of fundamental importance to always be working through into these levels.

Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers and Carl Jung were people who spoke of the fully functioning person, an individuated person and the self- actualiser. There can often be a mistake in seeing such as being narcissistic but this really is a huge mistake. Whereas it certainly involves a toughening up of boundaries and likely rejection of certain things that took place before a person on this path will be someone who’s behaviour is of a helpful and forward moving nature. Someone dedicated to a purpose, feelings of beauty, integrity, connectedness. A narcissistic individual is inflated and seeks to harm whereas someone on the other end of the scale uses themselves to be of service.

Amanda Ferguson in ‘Life works’ speaks of normal mental health as being seemingly more mundane. Someone who is in tune with the beauty while also the suffering in life. Not the same level of emotional fluctuation but a level of balance and constant management. I would agree with this also although would not use the word ‘normal’ since I feel in definition normal can more refer to the mainstream and it is unknown as to if there are more people on the pathological scale or the non-pathological scale.

Ken Wilbers’ integral life practice speaks of the whole being good while doing good idea. His books are wonderful for developing consciousness and also highlighting the huge issue of Boomeritis and this lost spiritual world of postmodern flatland. A real disease to look out for, to manage and to overcome. It’s really important to keep working to get our grip and to keep working to the more conscious and aware scale.

I have been interested in this topic for a long time now. I read a great post about it here (https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/09/why-the-world-needs-narcissists/) a good while ago now which I often refer clients to. When people initially come to see me from abuse they have endured from people who are narcissistic this is not a topic to raise too quickly as it could seem dismissive of feelings. However I feel with clients and have felt this to be true personally.

I have engaged with at least 2 people in a close environment socially and romantically who have had high narcissistic traits and I can genuinely see the incredible learning that has come from this. It is as if the depths we go to allow us to go deeper than we would ever have done before and emerge a far greater and more authentic force than we could have done previously.

My Counselling mentor used the term ‘dark soul mate’ which I find to be relevant here. I guess using this type of thinking whereas a light soul mate connects with you in a beautiful empowering kind of way and brings out all your good points for your betterment the dark soul mate rather crushes you. People express being like empty shelves of themselves and feeling destroyed from the experience. It really does take people to a rock bottom feeling. A complete and utter being trampled on, used and abused.

I always point out to clients and have had it pointed out to me that although it feels destroying you have not been destroyed. You are very much still here. A weaker person may not be. You have been crushed but the strength and willingness to grow is very much well and alive. It’s all just very difficult ‘right now’.

Often clients are able to look back and recognise red flags and general warning signs that were there from early on which they didn’t pay attention to or just ignored for some reason. Perhaps a blindness similar to what they were forced to put on in their childhood. It is here in the recovery we can look to restructure and see why these intuitive senses were not paid attention to. We look to redevelop this and figure out how to trust this more in future by building up the trusting relationship between therapist and client.

I’ve wrote about intuition before and feel there is so much in this we are yet to find out more of. Wayne Dyer says out intuition is like our connection to God.

People often feel saddened by what a mess they are in and think about how the abuser seems to have got away with everything scott free. I usually here draw a diagram of a spectrum of mental health. I draw a line with pathological mental health on one side and healthy mental health on the other. Pathological mental health is typically behaviour which is destructive to self and others. Narcissists would be on this side and going further down the scale a megalomaniac psychopath. Here the shadow component of the individual is really big. On the other side of the scale would be more enlightened beings eg Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela to name a few. Here the shadow would be reducing and reducing. This would be in line with what Maslow referred to as the self actualising characters.

I usually see people in therapy as being a little off the centre to the left whereas there is a level of distress and shadow work which needs to be done to be brought into