People with narcissistic traits attack our experience of just being human, of being ourselves. As humans we can sometimes be irrational, we are emotional beings and we are never perfect. Not be perfect is what makes us human. To think we are perfect is what often makes a narcissist. Narcissists operate in a holier than though self righteous paradigm. What they say is correct and anything against that means you are abusing them in some way. In breaking away from them you become the bad person. I’ve experienced this first hand, hear about it from many clients and this is the general documented thing which happens.

I linked the book here called ‘Becoming a person’ by Carl Rogers. This is about Person centred therapy which was in fact my primary grounding training when I studied to be a Counsellor. It’s a very moving book which discusses the process people go through when treated with purely empathy, congruence and unconditional acceptance. This combined with the trusting relationship formed between the client and therapist and the clients wanting to change causes them to walk the path of becoming more of what Rogers calls a ‘fully functioning person’. I know this process works from my own experience as a therapist and in encounter groups. This book shows clearly the way people’s resistance break and they are able to let go and change into someone they want to be free of restrictions, they become more human. Our humanity is what narcissists try to take away.

I always remember back in 2005 when I was first studying to be a therapist when I brought an issue with a friend I had at the time. His traits were later said by my Counselling mentor to be symbolic of a diagnosable narcissist. I was totally unfamiliar with that term at the time. The healing and growth journey from that detachment has lead me so far. To now supporting people who have been abused as being the main niche of my work. It’s a very ongoing journey and an ongoing puzzle I continue to grapple with. I remember the group was all about emanating those same core conditions as in Carl Rogers therapy. I always remember someone asking me ‘what would you achieve by seeing this person again?’ to which I could only answer ‘nothing’. Detachment was difficult but it was a strange enmeshed friendship which involved narcissism and my codependence (conarcissism) buying into it. I’ve never regretted the decision for a second. I detached, I moved to New Zealand. This wound has popped up numerous more times and I have kept going into greater depths of my own self realisation. Involved in this time I had a romantic relationship with someone with narcissistic traits too. That was what fully lead me to have this primary focus on recovery from narcissistic abuse.

It’s interesting how when we hold our pure feelings whatever they are as being valid that we grow. Funnily enough when this type of therapy first emerged in the midst of more expert like Freudian therapy it was thought that to accept our feelings like this would infact lead to narcissism. I can understand why it would be thought this could happen. However the exact opposite takes place. We become growing people and start to move towards what can be said to be a more authentic version of ourselves. We become calmer, more creative, more forward moving. Rogers used the term ‘the fully functioning person’. Maslow uses the term ‘The self actualised individual’. Carl Jung speaks of the journey to individuation. There is much ovelap through all of them. I remember feelings that I felt were always crushed down and being able to shine a light and just accept they were okay was so incredibly liberating. Leading to greater and greater depths, creativity and development.

It’s interesting how in this process of becoming more human too how there is naturally a level of irrationality about us. I remember reading it in a book about boundaries and it saying to remember our right to be irrational. That’s odd I thought. Isn’t irrational just stupid? I then thought though about how narcissists operate in a purely rational dogmatic system. It’s through this they are able to take dignity away and trip us up and take control. It’s important to remember that in the world of Psychology that it is narcissistic individuals who fall on this scale of pathological mental health. Their incessant rationality and combined with the view they are 1000% right makes their spell so convincing.

The way through this is to honour our intuition. As my counselling mentor said simply ‘If someone is making you feel not right much of the time then there is a chance you are dealing with a narcissist or someone with narcissistic traits.’ Wayne Dyer once said that our intuition is our connection with God. Whether you believe in God or not I do feel intuition is a profound function that we are only just getting to understand more and I feel it is through this and our feeling selves where we are able to honour our humanness and really walk this path to our full humanness.

A coach I heard speak a few days ago said ‘always remember the world has a place for you. You’re great just as you are. Honour your boundaries and just be you.

https://www.bookdepository.com/Becoming-Person-Carl-Rogers/9781614278689?a_aid=philwalker