I have been interested in this topic for a long time now. I read a great post about it here (https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/09/why-the-world-needs-narcissists/) a good while ago now which I often refer clients to. When people initially come to see me from abuse they have endured from people who are narcissistic this is not a topic to raise too quickly as it could seem dismissive of feelings. However I feel with clients and have felt this to be true personally.

I have engaged with at least 2 people in a close environment socially and romantically who have had high narcissistic traits and I can genuinely see the incredible learning that has come from this. It is as if the depths we go to allow us to go deeper than we would ever have done before and emerge a far greater and more authentic force than we could have done previously.

My Counselling mentor used the term ‘dark soul mate’ which I find to be relevant here. I guess using this type of thinking whereas a light soul mate connects with you in a beautiful empowering kind of way and brings out all your good points for your betterment the dark soul mate rather crushes you. People express being like empty shelves of themselves and feeling destroyed from the experience. It really does take people to a rock bottom feeling. A complete and utter being trampled on, used and abused.

I always point out to clients and have had it pointed out to me that although it feels destroying you have not been destroyed. You are very much still here. A weaker person may not be. You have been crushed but the strength and willingness to grow is very much well and alive. It’s all just very difficult ‘right now’.

Often clients are able to look back and recognise red flags and general warning signs that were there from early on which they didn’t pay attention to or just ignored for some reason. Perhaps a blindness similar to what they were forced to put on in their childhood. It is here in the recovery we can look to restructure and see why these intuitive senses were not paid attention to. We look to redevelop this and figure out how to trust this more in future by building up the trusting relationship between therapist and client.

I’ve wrote about intuition before and feel there is so much in this we are yet to find out more of. Wayne Dyer says out intuition is like our connection to God.

People often feel saddened by what a mess they are in and think about how the abuser seems to have got away with everything scott free. I usually here draw a diagram of a spectrum of mental health. I draw a line with pathological mental health on one side and healthy mental health on the other. Pathological mental health is typically behaviour which is destructive to self and others. Narcissists would be on this side and going further down the scale a megalomaniac psychopath. Here the shadow component of the individual is really big. On the other side of the scale would be more enlightened beings eg Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela to name a few. Here the shadow would be reducing and reducing. This would be in line with what Maslow referred to as the self actualising characters.

I usually see people in therapy as being a little off the centre to the left whereas there is a level of distress and shadow work which needs to be done to be brought into