I see a shift in myself and in people around me to two opposites of either too much grind or too much sugar.

I say the grind here in terms of the grind of building a business, raising a family, building a relationship. These things that genuinely take huge chunks of hard work.

In terms of sugar I see as partly the stuff that’s just fun; the beer, the trips out, ,the falling in love phases.

I see people get so involved with the grind that they lose themselves. There’s a kind of fatigue and cynicism. I’ve been in this space at different points myself.

Then there’s the over sugar. Everyone likes a bit of chocolate but the problem here is when that’s all life is built on. Life can’t be just built on sugar. The idea you can be a millionnaire over night without any work or a relationship would never have any issues. I’ve done this too.

The recognition that great things take time. The idea of building systems and structure is hugely important. Words like discipline and the principle of delayed gratification are important here and often come up in religious types of teachings too.

In ‘The road less travelled’ by Scott Peck he starts out by the statement ‘Life is difficult’. He goes into this and says how once we accept that we immediately transcend it. A lot of our culture seems based on sugar. The idea that life should just somehow be easy and if its not then theres something wrong with us or there’s just something wrong. The idea of really showing up and building something seems to fall away sometimes.

I’ve been working with my personal coach recently on ‘the grind’ as we called it and this being healthily mixed with sugar (because hey we all like a bit 🙂 ). It’s a great thing to work with. This idea of acknowledging stuff is hard (as it should be) and feeling the sense of commitment and at the same time taking the time to celebrate and to reward yourself and recognise the journey you’ve been on and where you’re heading.

So I want to ask how you’re acknowledging your journey. Are you in the grind and able to manage the grind with the bit of sugar?

My very hard working week has been good and successful and my sugar is going to involve a trip to the cinema I’m excited about. How about you ?

I just got inspired to write this after just seeing a video about changing your physiology to alter your state and seeing someone dancing around while cleaning.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is a truth in that for sure. In fact I practice it with clients and in myself when doing more coaching style work. It’s a great way to take control and manage ourselves.

For whatever reason though seeing that today just made me think of what I’m learning about the potential dark side of the industry we call personal development. I’ve only become aware of this more in the last few years how it can (maybe totally non intentionally) give the idea that if you can’t just take control like this then there is something wrong with you.

In my view whatever you may do to get into a more peak state to achieve more the fact still remains there will be a level of your own archeology and the fact you may just be ‘going through something’ and it’s this going through something which needs the attention.

In my work as a Counsellor and Coach I often speak openly about what I see as a potential dark side of both (while both obviously having great benefits). On a coaching level I see that things come back to a regaining of control and a forward movement. If Coaching is taken from the way it was taught to me it’s not really an issue since by it’s nature it is based on an assumption you are already in a good space and are just seeking to move, therefore if you’re not then some kind of referral e.g. to a Counsellor is needed.

In the personal development world though and in certain examples I’ve seen live it’s taken to be the extreme of everything just being about a certain belief and about the regaining of control and this is where I believe it can be a problem.

Swiss Psychiatrist Carl Jung coined the term ‘the dark night of the soul’ and my understanding here is there are things you just need to feel and go through to be able to ultimately transform and move to a new level. The idea of owning your state and regaining control are great still but if there is an experience taking place which needs to be honoured it’s wrong in my view to deny it.

The Counselling dark side can go to the other extreme of a recycling of emotions and therefore non intentionally reinforcing a certain more disempowered state.

So I guess we come to some conclusion of whatever is occuring for an individual right now is happening so there’s always going to be a needed level of being with that. By starting from this point we can explore the archeology of the individual in terms of what’s occurring and what the story is and from that place explore and strategise as to what the best way forward is.

I was once in a group titled ‘It’s okay to be human’. I think this is a good philosophy to work with along with ‘whatever is occurring right now is okay’.

I’ve had a pillar of my work for some time now in helping people with relationships which have become destructive.

I know from my own personal experience in the past and also in my work with clients that often we get wrapped up in wondering if the other person is a diagnosable narcissist then we get wrapped up looking for evidence and researching deeper and deeper.

I’m not saying some level of practical knowledge is not useful but I think that ultimately the reality to focus on which I find most helpful is to take back to your own emotional reality.

Your emotional reality always gives your truth and by honouring this you can put yourself first rather than the relationship and then decide what you’d like to do.

Obviously working with a Counsellor can be in itself a self connection practice where people often report the experience of being validated helps them to just know they are not crazy but have their own sense of truth and an experience which is real which everyone is entitled to have.

Personal practices to build this experience can be activities like journal writing, meditation and just doing some things for yourself. Some call it an occasional ‘self date’.

When we can just realise we’re a valued person worthy of respect I find then we can bring out what it is we really want from this relationship. It’s important to keep in mind they may not change but the good news is you don’t need them to change for you to feel okay.

Making yourself the priority typically comes first then this being followed with a combination of good adult communication (which we practice in sessions) and also where needed a level of a clinical working with the respective other individual helps shifts to occur.

Remember you’re not crazy but you may just be being impacted by a crazy maker.

When I did my Coaching training my teacher Eban Pagan spoke and wrote about coaching being an ‘asset’ skill. He spoke more in his book ‘Opportunity’ too about how in his life he learned to recognise skills he was learning which were particular assets rather than things ultimately never being used again.

He was talking about an asset here in the sense of something that gains more value over time. Him and his partner Annie who ran the course spoke about the idea of the coach as being a new role and how it is all about the particular focus of looking at where someone is right now and taking them to the next level.

I love being a Counsellor and Coach and although I’m sure not everyone wants to be an actual Counsellor and Coach I do believe that both the skills to some degree are an asset for anyone to possess.

There was a lovely book I read once called ‘Counselling skills in everyday life’ by Geldard and Geldard which just by name as well as content made me see how valuable Counselling skills are for people to learn and practice.

I find in my practice how incredible it is for just small communication tweaks to make such a massive difference.

Counselling as a profession and as a skill to learn is about letting people explore their emotions, seeking to listen and understand. Coaching again is about where someone is at and where they want to head to.

I’d really like to encourage anyone to always be seeking to have an awareness of developing these skills because not only will you inevitably create better relationships with other people but also with yourself.

By applying Counselling and Coaching skills to yourself you inevitably go on your own heroes journey? What really makes you tick ? What do you want from life and from relationships ? Where’s the hero in you ? Why do you always feel this way when this thing happens?

Counselling and Coaching are true asset skills in my view that anyone wherever they are in life should be seeking to get better at both for themselves and for others around them.

Remember as you do this to always seek to grow and be true to you.