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Monthly Archives: September 2023
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September 28, 2023

A Guide to Relationship Counseling and Renewed Love

Relationships are like delicate gardens that require constant care and nurturing. Just as flowers need sunlight, water, and attention to bloom, relationships need love, communication, and understanding to thrive. However, even the strongest relationships can face challenges and conflicts that may seem insurmountable. This is where relationship counseling can play a crucial role in rekindling the flame of love and restoring harmony.

What is Relationship Counseling?

Relationship counseling, often referred to as couples therapy or marriage counseling, is a therapeutic process designed to help couples navigate challenges, improve communication, and strengthen their emotional bond. It provides a safe and supportive environment for couples to address issues and work towards a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

The Benefits of Relationship Counseling

Improved Communication: One of the most common issues in relationships is a breakdown in communication. Relationship counseling equips couples with effective communication tools, helping them express their feelings and needs more clearly.

Conflict Resolution: Conflicts are natural in any relationship, but how they are resolved can make a significant difference. Counseling teaches couples how to resolve conflicts constructively, minimizing hurtful arguments.

Increased Intimacy: Relationship counseling can reignite the spark of intimacy by addressing underlying emotional issues and promoting a deeper connection between partners.

Enhanced Understanding: By delving into each other’s perspectives, couples gain a better understanding of their partner’s needs and emotions.

Rebuilding Trust: Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Counselors guide couples in rebuilding trust when it has been damaged.

Stress Reduction: A troubled relationship can lead to stress and emotional turmoil. Counseling helps alleviate this stress by offering a path to resolution.

The Counseling Process

Assessment: The counseling process typically begins with an assessment of the relationship. Both partners have the opportunity to express their concerns, and the counselor gathers information to understand the challenges.

Goal Setting: Together with the counselor, couples establish goals for the counseling sessions. These goals help focus the therapy and provide a roadmap for progress.

Individual and Joint Sessions: Couples may have both individual and joint counseling sessions. Individual sessions allow partners to explore personal issues that may be affecting the relationship.

Skill Building: Counselors often teach couples essential relationship skills such as active listening, effective communication, and problem-solving techniques.

Homework and Practice: Between sessions, couples are encouraged to practice what they’ve learned and complete homework assignments to reinforce their skills.

Progress Assessment: Periodically, the counselor assesses the couple’s progress toward their goals and makes adjustments to the therapy plan as needed.

Resolution and Closure: The ultimate aim of relationship counseling is to resolve issues and restore harmony to the relationship. Closure is achieved when both partners feel their concerns have been adequately addressed.

Is Relationship Counseling Right for You?

Relationship counseling can benefit couples at various stages of their relationship, from newlyweds to those facing long-term challenges. It is especially valuable when:

  • Communication has broken down, and conflicts are frequent.
  • Trust has been compromised, such as through infidelity.
  • Emotional intimacy has waned.
  • There are unresolved issues from the past.
  • You and your partner want to strengthen your bond and build a healthier relationship.
  • Remember that seeking counseling is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards resolving issues and renewing your love.

Conclusion

In the ebb and flow of relationships, seeking help through relationship counseling can be a transformative experience. It provides couples with the tools and guidance needed to navigate challenges, enhance communication, and reignite the flame of love. Whether your relationship is facing difficulties or you simply want to strengthen your bond, relationship counseling offers a path to renewed love and a brighter future together. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help when needed; it can be the key to a happier, healthier relationship.

September 26, 2023

The importance of rejuvenating and fulfilment time.

I see this repeatedly with clients and in fact with myself and my colleague. It popped up again this week. We can become so motivated and focussed on the idea of being ‘successful’ that we neglect ourselves and the things that truly give us joy.

I’ve been brought back a few times this week to a teaching by Tony Robbins when he speaks about two master skills for a great life with these being 1. The science of success 2. The art of fulfilment. Whereas the first one is all about following a certain way of doing things and figuring out patterns it’s the second one which is individual in the sense of really trying to figure out what floats your boat or fills your engine.

It is so easy in our society to get so focussed on success that we forget about this. I do it myself and we often fall on then get back on with a sometimes not to pleasant reminder, e.g., when we burnout for all the striving and striving then somehow wondering why we are even doing it all.

I think that it can be a clever idea to keep reflecting on both these skills and how they are going for you as a kind of daily practice. My Coaching teacher Eban Pagan said that ‘rejuvenation was directly proportional to productivity.’ You see this with a lot of high-level entrepreneurs where they certainly work hard while also seem to really be enjoying life and have a lot of time off. I remember something else I learned from him was that ‘transformation often occurs in the counterintuitive.’ This is seen quite clearly when people are really looking to e.g. grow their business to the next level and it is in fact the spending some time relaxing which is really needed which will be the place where the vision pops up for our lives.

Do you need to spend some more time rejuvenating and in fulfilling activities? What is success and fulfilment to you? If indeed these are two master skills, where are you at with them?


021 058 3234
www.newbeginningstherapy.co.nz
philip@newbeginningstherapy.co.nz

September 4, 2023

Practicing self-compassion as a discipline

There’s a lot out there in self – help type literature around the topic of self-love. I can see how it’s probably all well intentioned and makes sense in a way, but I can’t help but feel a lot of it sometimes makes people feel worse. It seems to have some kind of dreamy energy to it sometimes, some sense that it’s not actually so ‘authentic.’ Funnily enough that is another word I have a problem with at points, that’s for another post though.

I think self-compassion as a term has a lot more grit to it. It’s grounding, it’s more defining. I just came off an interview with a Coach and the word of the interview (not planned) was ‘gritty’ as we spoke about the journey of growth, dark times, and overcoming obstacles in life.

I think there’s more that needs to be said (and I’m trying to say it here) about real growth being ‘gritty’. It’s not to say we don’t have beautiful moments or there’s not space for all the lovely stuff but there needs to be grit in there for real transformation to occur.

Without this all we’ve done is get this kind of sugar high and we’re left with this feeling that nothing has changed or maybe we even feel worse that we can’t do this magical thing called ‘self love’ and live this life like the figure on the book cover can apparently do.

For me, the term ‘self-compassion’ and the practice of it is a bit more like the way we learn to clean our teeth. It’s gritty. It’s just something we do. We know it’s good so we do it and that’s the end of it. There. Done. It’s part of our day and becomes part of our way of being.

Practices like journal writing and meditation can be great practices to start to practice self-compassion as they’re ways to just start to own and feel into ourselves and be honest.

Often in our lives when we’re not diligent with self-compassion practices layers of dust can build up, in the same way plaque can build on our teeth and before we know it we’ve got some serious cavities going on !

Self-compassion overlaps totally as far as I can tell with what I’d call self connection. Being compassionate with ourselves makes us connected to ourselves and this is where the wheels really start to turn, and we see the truth of what is going on for us. We can see what we really need or conversations with others we may need to have.

When I speak to clients in my Counselling practice there can often be great realisations and relief in the first session, and we sometimes play around with these ideas. Counselling or anything whereas you can get a degree of empathy and mentorship can give a kind of self-connection and increase our self-compassion,

this all provided the person is being compassionate to you. Just having a mirror held up to us can sometimes be enough to give us this start.

It’s interesting though when people start to practice it themselves and there’s very commonly a journey of realising how it needs to become a discipline. we go easy though as everyone is on a journey. People often start doing a bit of journaling when they feel particularly bad. I always feedback how this is a great start and a good thing to continue. However again using the teeth analogy it can be like just cleaning your teeth when they look particularly gross. It’s a good start but some overall discipline needs to really be going on in the background for real growth and traction to take place.

So, if you’re getting anything from this article so far I’d like it to be something around the term ‘self-compassion’ , ‘discipline’ and ‘grit’. You don’t have to just feel self-love for yourself suddenly, just like you don’t have to feel like cleaning your teeth. Although Counselling is very much about our emotions and how we feel there’s so much to be said for just doing something and by doing something we therefore alter our state and get on a better path.

Self-compassion can be very much like that. You don’t have to feel like it but it’s something I’d recommend you just get used to doing like….. sorry I have to say it one last time …. cleaning your teeth.

A discipline of actions like journaling, meditation, or actions that put you in control are all actions of self-compassion. I think the statement I heard a Psychologist colleague say once of ‘we can all be more compassionate to ourselves’ is probably true.

If you are really struggling, then speaking to a professional can also be a profound act of self-compassion in my opinion. The key is never to suffer in silence and to always have an ongoing sense of your own self and what is occurring for you.

All the best Phil