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March 28, 2018

Reflections on narcissism 3

Patterns of past narcissist couple still around.  Thinking she was my friend initially, an ally after my therapy, but not. Plus I was living overseas.  I’d wrongly given him the benefit of the doubt and now they were together and I was overseas.  Lost in my wound without realising.  The drama repeating was everything I felt in my therapy real? It was like being reminded… no… this is who you are… remember? Subordinate, controlled.  Creativity taken away, de-anchored and destabalised.  I could just watch it all play out.  That feeling of being less than again.  I could drift.  Clinging to the hope of change from the aggressors which would never happen.

I’d gone back there because of all that was ignited and started to flow out of me which I see now in my dreams.  It’s still there but it couldn’t come out.  The drama of frustration of just wanting to be seen and validated and I couldn’t give it to myself.  I was unconscious and i didn’t know it. Wanting that precious jewel of empathy from the narcissist they deliberately make it that you’ll want from them then refuse to give.  This is the narcissist takeover.  Likely to happen when you have been sourced out from the start.  This is what probably happened but I couldn’t see it then.  A cruel cycle.  Colonised, owned.

Lucy would set me free again.  I’d ask her over a year later if she remembered me, of course she did, she said.  The one person who I’d felt understood me.  Who’d set me free originally.  Was that all a dream?  She assured me it wasn’t.  A journey started of understanding Narcissism and detaching from toxicity then starting again.  Creative powers came out.  I was happier while alone in ways.  No one would understand, it sounded too weird.  I had to make counselling connections.

Seeing all the past before then clearer.  Things had always been messy.  They were smarter than me.  I had been stitched up.  They were cruel though, not enlightened.  Just in that self righteous judgemental narcissism world.  My best interests were never with them.  I was a subordinate stepping stone.  They were wolves in sheeps clothing.  Abuse sugar coated as joking around.

I never thought the wound was so deep but detachment became my biggest thing I’d ever done and my most important.  I became internally free.  Life and dreams took on real meanings.  It wasn’t drudgery.  I was raw.  There was so much energy taken up in memories which was so out of control.  Now became the time to start to try to centre it all.  Relationships became more normal and drama free.  There was so far to go but I was on the right path.

I could pragmatically see the way forward and keep taking each day as it came.  My life and my values were not enmeshed anymore.  One way or another I became the centre of my life, in charge and following the path I wanted.  The thing I recently read about of a kind of selfish and unselfish merging together was seeming to fit for me.  Seeing a world of pathology had opened up.  Narcissists and Psychopaths being a thing, rosy glasses taken off and seeing many people’s intentions were not good.  Working to go in the direction of what is good.  Starting to dig away.  Doing well in the counselling assignments, cutting off from the past, feeling calmer, dealing with backlash.  Something more decent and integral was happening.

Note: I am available for skype and phone sessions. Transfers through paypal available for international clients.  Please contact to schedule a session.

March 28, 2018

Reflections and growth through narcissism 2

Continuing a theme of some feelings, reflections and growth through narcissism

Them just going on.  Dominating, controlling, an inability to leave anyone alone.  Running up to someone else to gang up on you if you say something that doesn’t fit with their viewpoint.  A total gang mentality.  Completely and utterly normalised as the supposed best way forward.  As if somehow they’re the pioneers for the future of humanity when the truth could barely be so different.

As soon as not being totally right is threatened the vampire teeth come out.  Then it’s unwinnable.  You’re dead ! A forum of zero empathy.  The only way forward is backing out and away at which point you’ve become the crazy one.  He/she has gone crazy they’ll say.  You’re left as a shell while a calmer one wondering what was real, if anything.  Even years of having it affirmed you weren’t at fault still leaves you doubting.

Shadows and toxic shame as principles to be aware of and work on are non existent.  It’s just about winning.  Principles about actualising are ridiculed, but it’s their shadow that is saying this which has been repressed into their unconscious.  We’re just animals seeking domination.  The worst person wins.  Partly true while totally self contradictory in where they speak from.  Narcissists and Psychopaths do win at the time.

We need to see that and aspire to be the revered person.  To study principles of the creative and self actualisers and know that destructive behaving people only do this from their own sense of shame.  We can work to our place of peace and see the darkness but become an example of light for others to see.
Note: I am available for skype and phone sessions. Transfers through paypal available for international clients.  Please contact to schedule a session.

March 28, 2018

Reflections and growth through narcissism

A way of being promoting I’m right and you’re wrong.  Animalistic domination and ultimately existential meaninglessness combined with a narcissistic self righteousness for those around them and condemnation for anyone who wants to leave the cult.  Codependent disappointedness.  Zero promotion of a quest for a fuller self in self or in others.  Merely a promotion of inertia.  An environment where nothing truly good or lasting could flourish until the environment is seen for what it actually is which involves a waking up.
Personal development became lost in postmodernism.  This deconstructivism causing everything to become meaningless if you want it to be.  A promotion of arrogance and empathic detachment from the world around us.  A way of looking of ‘that’s good’, ‘that’s good’ when it kind of fits what we like and attacks some kind of paradigm which we see to be offensive in some way.  Complete and utter detachment from one’s own shadow.  The energy producing the thoughts and any kind of growth in the individual or in anyone else around them is taken away.  It’s just a taking of control, a colonising for personal amusement.  Slaves around to feed off and climb upon.  A shame projection which no one on the other side could feel good about but just won’t have any choice but to put up with unless they’re actually so messed up and as detached as the perpetrator in some way.  A non winnable battle.
Life changes into a dog eat dog battle with zero core of compassion.  A view that people are all evil while strongly being condemning and judging to those around them.  Missing the point that if everyone is evil then so are they in their intentions and what they are doing.  It’s as if things changed into purely rhetoric for the sake of control and nothing else is left.  This is the shadow world of the narcissist/borderline and became a common university discourse.  The extreme postmodern flatland world of green pathology.
Rampant narcissism overtook compassion.  The idea of self compassion then being able to be more compassionate to others is non existent.  It’s a world where the individual shadow is completely non acknowledged.  ‘We’re just animals and it’s what you get off on.’  A ripping one another apart and looking for domination and inevitably the worst person would win.  There isn’t any sense of being lead and somehow inspired to grow.  Who can take the manipulation the furthest?
This is a way is what has happened in larger society.  Donald Trump becoming president of the United States.  An absolute classic narcissist.  We’ve become fooled and enchanted by quickness, the way things look, a witty sharp cutting comment which can hack someone down in the moment.  Tactful political domination and control.  Here is the danger though of associating the dilemma with purely the right wing.  The narcissism is on every fragment.  Any kind of forum where there is a chance to control others.  Narcissists are skilled in finding ways so it can all look socially acceptable.  It’s important to step back from this now and look inwards at ourselves and what is going on.
It’s important to take the journey within.  It’s my belief that it’s only from there that we can ultimately create an individual life and a world of greater wholeness.  Narcissists go to every level to win in the moment.  It’s about an I’m right or the highway mentality.  I’m ever so slightly at least a bit better than you and you are subordinate to me.  A working to trip up and have some kind of last world as the priority.  Integrity is out.  Arguments and changing contexts to suit whatever works and wins at that exact point in time.  It’s all about ‘looking’ and being right ‘at that exact point’.
Narcissists are so driven by this and so convincing I feel the only way to free oneself from this is to experience a real sense of love.  Whether it’s given through a therapist or somehow found within, or from a supportive friend.  A sense that I’m actually okay and worthy of love just like I am.  It’s from that point when a light can be switched on and although there are still many pitfalls there are also many possibilities.  Life becomes about just becoming you.  Becoming more whole is the way to help the world to become more whole too.  It’s accessing the place where selfish and unselfish become the same thing.  There will always be attempts by Narcissists to objectify and demean this process but by staying strong we can come to a much stronger place and gain access to a realm where life is always an adventure.
This dog eat dog place of control and domination.  Overly intellectual conversation condemning and assessing what is going on ‘out there’ where we are somewhere else removed.  As if we’re somehow on some high pedestal of judgement to say how the world should be and win our own argument as to why something is the case.  This space though is only a space of narcissism and inertia.  A promotion of inertia too.  A place where nothing actualised and creative really comes from at all.
Again it’s here where we take our own responsibility.  What others or anyone in fact things becomes irrelevant.  It’s about finding it within yourself and in that you become more real and can connect in your own unique while very constructive way.
All that energy which was going into this strange acting out serving zero purpose can be taken back to the wound inside which you and so many people have.  It’s important to find that voice.  Find your space and solitude and let you hear your own voice and let it speak to you.  You’re safe now.  No one is going to storm in or start shouting some opinion you never asked for anyway or start telling you who’s a terrible person or try to distract you.  It’s important to find that place.  It’s from that calm space where the journey begins and where healing can really happen.
Being aware of what’s outside.  The computer being on in part shut down mode and the neighbour talking, the car driving by.  The bird sound outside, everything is okay as long as it’s real.  There’s no need to keep intellectualising.  Taking back to the body.  There’s no need to try anymore.  You can just be who you are from your peace of body going outwards and that’s all okay.

Narcissists are our greatest teachers.  In a world where there is so much darkness maybe it is really like we have our greatest chance to be able to use this to go inside and to see the truth.  In the grand scheme of things it’s good to get to a place where all the suffering makes sense for us as individuals.  It has all given us greater power to be able to come through and to individuate ourselves.

Note: I am available for skype and phone sessions. Transfers through paypal available for international clients.  Please contact to schedule a session.