Get in touch 

Category: Treatments
Home / Treatments /
September 4, 2023

Practicing self-compassion as a discipline

There’s a lot out there in self – help type literature around the topic of self-love. I can see how it’s probably all well intentioned and makes sense in a way, but I can’t help but feel a lot of it sometimes makes people feel worse. It seems to have some kind of dreamy energy to it sometimes, some sense that it’s not actually so ‘authentic.’ Funnily enough that is another word I have a problem with at points, that’s for another post though.

I think self-compassion as a term has a lot more grit to it. It’s grounding, it’s more defining. I just came off an interview with a Coach and the word of the interview (not planned) was ‘gritty’ as we spoke about the journey of growth, dark times, and overcoming obstacles in life.

I think there’s more that needs to be said (and I’m trying to say it here) about real growth being ‘gritty’. It’s not to say we don’t have beautiful moments or there’s not space for all the lovely stuff but there needs to be grit in there for real transformation to occur.

Without this all we’ve done is get this kind of sugar high and we’re left with this feeling that nothing has changed or maybe we even feel worse that we can’t do this magical thing called ‘self love’ and live this life like the figure on the book cover can apparently do.

For me, the term ‘self-compassion’ and the practice of it is a bit more like the way we learn to clean our teeth. It’s gritty. It’s just something we do. We know it’s good so we do it and that’s the end of it. There. Done. It’s part of our day and becomes part of our way of being.

Practices like journal writing and meditation can be great practices to start to practice self-compassion as they’re ways to just start to own and feel into ourselves and be honest.

Often in our lives when we’re not diligent with self-compassion practices layers of dust can build up, in the same way plaque can build on our teeth and before we know it we’ve got some serious cavities going on !

Self-compassion overlaps totally as far as I can tell with what I’d call self connection. Being compassionate with ourselves makes us connected to ourselves and this is where the wheels really start to turn, and we see the truth of what is going on for us. We can see what we really need or conversations with others we may need to have.

When I speak to clients in my Counselling practice there can often be great realisations and relief in the first session, and we sometimes play around with these ideas. Counselling or anything whereas you can get a degree of empathy and mentorship can give a kind of self-connection and increase our self-compassion,

this all provided the person is being compassionate to you. Just having a mirror held up to us can sometimes be enough to give us this start.

It’s interesting though when people start to practice it themselves and there’s very commonly a journey of realising how it needs to become a discipline. we go easy though as everyone is on a journey. People often start doing a bit of journaling when they feel particularly bad. I always feedback how this is a great start and a good thing to continue. However again using the teeth analogy it can be like just cleaning your teeth when they look particularly gross. It’s a good start but some overall discipline needs to really be going on in the background for real growth and traction to take place.

So, if you’re getting anything from this article so far I’d like it to be something around the term ‘self-compassion’ , ‘discipline’ and ‘grit’. You don’t have to just feel self-love for yourself suddenly, just like you don’t have to feel like cleaning your teeth. Although Counselling is very much about our emotions and how we feel there’s so much to be said for just doing something and by doing something we therefore alter our state and get on a better path.

Self-compassion can be very much like that. You don’t have to feel like it but it’s something I’d recommend you just get used to doing like….. sorry I have to say it one last time …. cleaning your teeth.

A discipline of actions like journaling, meditation, or actions that put you in control are all actions of self-compassion. I think the statement I heard a Psychologist colleague say once of ‘we can all be more compassionate to ourselves’ is probably true.

If you are really struggling, then speaking to a professional can also be a profound act of self-compassion in my opinion. The key is never to suffer in silence and to always have an ongoing sense of your own self and what is occurring for you.

All the best Phil

January 21, 2018

The psychology of narcissism – W. Keith Campbell

If you are spending time with someone who is leaving you feeling somehow less than and somehow drained after your interactions with them then you may be dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder or perhaps someone with another kind of pathological mental health issue.

I am finding many more clients impacted by people with narcissistic personality disorder.  I have heard the term ’emotional holocaust’ used for how people sometimes feel after being close to one of these characters.  Whereas in my Counselling I firmly believe that everyone has the capacity to grow and change for the better a key thing in that is that the person must have at least the inkling that something is not right in them.  A key characteristic of fully developed narcissistic personality disorder is that they believe that they are 100% correct.  It is currently quite a dilemma in therapy to find a way to deal with the perpetrators themselves should they have this disorder diagnosed.

In therapy I regularly work with the victims.  These are people who have some level of codependency (or we can also call it co-narcissism).  This is the main target for the narcissist as like vampires they are able to detect weak spots in individuals.  In romantic relationships a love bombing phase often occurs followed by discarding leading the victim with a sense of confusion and wondering what they did wrong.  The truth is often that nothing was done wrong and the person you thought the person was actually never existed.  Narcissists are like chameleons and thrive on narcissistic supply.  This can be in the form of admiration or sadly your pain and suffering.  In ‘friendships’ it can similarly just involve a roller coaster of your emotions which they gain pleasure from.

It can be hard to admit that someone you cared about likely never did.  However, as we come in touch with our feelings and step off the emotional rollercoaster that you have no doubt been on the process of recovery is more rewarding that the relationship ever could have been.  Some articles speak about relationships with narcissists as being like a cleansing process.  This is a hard stage to get to but ultimately the goal whereas you are able to see that going trough this pain has lead to you developing the sense of self you always knew you were underneath and I feeling that without that you would never be as strong as you have become.  The quote by Neitzche comes to mind here of ‘whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’.

The following is the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (DSM 5)

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy and behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

  1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
  2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
  3. believes that he or she is ‘special’ and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
  4. requires excessive admiration
  5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
  6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
  7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
  8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
  9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.

In the male form this disorder plays out in the way of a dysfunctional alpha male seeking control and domination at all costs.  In the female form it plays out as the woman playing the role of victim and the martyr.  I have counselled many women recovering from Narcissistic abuse and also men recovering from female abuse (which is notably on the rise).  I also help people dealing with Narcissistic or otherwise disordered friends.

I have personal experience, counselling skills and much knowledge around this area to be able to support you on your recovery journey.  Please contact me if you require help and support with this issue.

New Beginnings Therapy now sponsors a support group for victims of narcissistic abuse. Feel free to join by clicking below.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Support

December 2, 2017

Anger management

With Anger Management Auckland I regularly see clients at either site in Birkdale or in Remuera due to this being such a major theme and common issue.  Often clients come to Counselling and speak about want to ‘control anger’. The key thing in Counselling which is important is to remember that we do not in fact try to ‘control our anger’. Trying to control an emotion is what leads to it becoming trapped and distorted and coming out at points in a way which may not be appropriate. It is important rather to look at the ways we ‘manage our emotions’ and in particular ‘manage our anger’.

 

Anger is often a frowned upon emotion as seen as something we should control or in some way try to curb. Whereas abuse is always wrong there is nothing wrong with the feeling of anger or any other feeling. Throughout my work with clients working on this issue we often speak of anger to be seen like it is at the start of a hill. If you picture a hill and on one side of the hill there is anger which is absolutely fine. Any feeling of anger is okay, it’s healthy and is nothing to be concerned about. An emotion like any other which is to be managed and used constructively. Anger can build however and if not managed well can go up over the hill and down the slippery slope of the other side and turn into abuse which is never okay.

 

In Counselling sessions we often look at this analogy and then work with the feeling of anger. I often emphasise constantly how the feeling of anger is absolutely fine and encourage clients to bring whatever anger they have to the sessions so we can work with it. Clients often feel enraged and notice how outside of sessions in the real world they are triggered by the smallest things. Exploring the emotions and what these things that trigger them remind them of can be key to getting to the root of the anger and rather than it become our enemy, be our friend we can embrace as part of our lives.

 

Anger can often be mixed with other strong emotions. Sometimes self therapy exercises such as writing or actual rigorous exercise and keeping an overall healthy balance can help us to keep our emotions well regulated. Through working with our emotions in therapy we can come to a state of greater balance. If we picture someone carrying buckets, one on each side, on a piece of wood over their shoulders. In the case of anger management we are often stumbling around and the water (symbolising our emotions) is pouring out and going all over the place. Through accepting where we are at and that there is an issue with the emotions pouring out and perhaps becoming abusive, we are able to create routines and explore the emotions to become happier and more balanced. Cognitive behavioural therapy can also help here in moving forward to make goals for the future.

 

The key thing here is always acceptance acceptance acceptance.  Do not feel like Counselling will make you less passionate or take your strong emotions away.  If you have issues with anger rest assured that with Anger management Auckland I will only be encouraging you to bring all these strong emotions to session.  With the right nurturing these can be chanelled to support you to create the life you want.