It’s a tough one to go into but as part of healing and the taking of radical responsibility it can always be useful to think of the payoffs we actually get/got from our codependent roles.  I work with clients often who have been squashed into roles of the daddy’s girl, scapegoat, mum’s helper etc etc.

It’s always helpful to empathise with the victimisation which took place and the shame which is underneath these roles and work to dissolve it through the power of empathy which can be like a chemical reaction to lead to seeing the innocence within.

It’s also helpful though to look at the payoff we got from being in the role.  If we work with the idea that we change when it is truly less painful and more pleasurable to change it’s helpful to examine what we got from being in the role.

It’s often hard to admit but when our identity has been a certain way for a period of time there is a buildup of pay offs there.  We will likely get certainty needs met as we know thihngs are going to be this way constantly.  There is also a level of connection taking place.  It’s maybe not as healthy as we would like but there is connection.

To mix in with this it can be helpful to use Tony Robbins 6 core needs and look at how you are actually getting them through being the person you have been doing.  Then you can look at how you would like to get your needs met.

Maybe you get a certainty need met by always having a certain argument with a spouse.  The knowing it is going to happen while painful fills a need.  Maybe though we can now decide to channge it by filling it by always going to a personal growth group each friday.  Genuinely looking at the payoffs we are actually getting can be helpful to move us out of a victim state and to see that part of the reason we are there is because we are getting needs met from it.

By seeing this and then looking at how we would like our needs to be met we can then look at the ingredients needed to generate in ourselves to move from one way of being to the other.  Often courage is a crucial ingredient to move out.  Mixed in with this too we can feel into how painful it would actually be to stay in the same situation.  Are brains typically are geared to keeping us safe so we really need to lean into how our lives would truly be if not of this ever changed then ‘decide’ what it is we want to do and where we want our needs to be met in order to truly create a life of design.

I often work with clients who have been victimised to one degree or another.

Here is a Counselling conversation we always go into the needed empathy and the being with the pain of what has taken place.

This is essential to know someone is there for us and to feel validated so we are then able to move and make some new decisions.

Mixed in with this too in a more Coaching type of conversation it’s really important to examine what the beliefs are which we may have taken on board through whatever took place?

A common one is ‘not good enough’, which is the root of codependence and shame.Here we can mix Counselling and Coaching by getting the empathy and also work to take radical responsibility for the message and therefore story we are choosing to live by and rip it out and put in a new one.

I am loving a book I am listening to on audible right now called ‘Tribe of Mentors’ by Tim Ferris.  I’d really recommend anyone to give it a look or listen.  It has loads of interviews with different high achievers in their respective domains.  
One of the questions asked was ‘What advice would you give to a smart driven college student about to enter the real world?’  I think the answer to the question given though can relate to anyone in life.
The answer given I can’t quote exactly but is very much along these lines… We often have images of growth and development in life eg like the corporate world as being like a pyramid.  He said rather than think like this if you think of your overall growth in life as being like an upside down pyramid.  Presumably there are some skills now so what is a next brick which can attach this too and where from there ?
Sometimes we need to start a whole new segment but the key can be constant learning and growth and just attaching different pieces together piece by piece.  For whatever reason I felt I could really connect to this and could think of my own learning in counselling then coaching then speaking then writing.  It’s kind of cool and liberating to see how this goes and all grows for us individually then to keep looking into where our skills can keep fitting into the world and what things we can pioneer to keep adding the best value.

In the last couple of years I have found studying Robert Kiyosaki’s work quite profound.  It is an area of life I really wish I had got more into when I was younger.  It’s funny how Rich Dad poor Dad was released in 1997 when I was 17 and I only came across it a couple of years ago.  I’d highly recommend reading it.
I’ve been really enjoying running a cashflow group in Greenlane for a period of time now also.  Without going into the whole of his philosophy something to share here which he goes into in his books is just the importance of ‘minding your own business’ and being involved in the game of money consciously.  We’re all in it anyway but often people are unconsciously playing which obviously doesn’t lead to the best results.
Mixed in with this too we have very socialist schooling and an almost quasi religious strange sentiment passed on around money.  Financial intelligence is not really taught.
Anyway the big point he makes is recognising an asset as something that puts money in your pocket, plain and simple.  A liability is something that takes money from you.  The house you live in whether you have a mortgage on it or are a renter is a liability therefore.  This is not to say that buying a house isn’t cool if you want one (in fact he says about his rich dad loving luxury and owning a lovely house on the beach).  It’s just important not to call it an asset as it doesn’t give income.
So the basic principle therefore becomes to invest in assets and to live within your means and keep working to expand your means.  Not live below your means as is commonly taught (where’s the fun in that?).
Also debt is not all bad.  That 4 letter word.  We can have bad debt eg a credit card debt we used to buy a new bike which we need to pay off but then this can be distinguished with good debt whereby we use to debt maybe to buy a rental property which then gets the mortgage (the debt) paid off with income coming in and also generates a cashflow.  This then becomes an income producing asset.
I’d really recommend downloading a Robert Kiyosaki cashflow board game sheet.  I really like just having one to use for my personal finances to see what is going where.  The ultimate goal of the game ‘Cashflow’ is to work to make passive income higher than expenses.  Then you are financially free !!