There’s a lot of documentation about post traumatic stress.  Events in the present striking back instances of the past.  This combined with a general experience of anxiety, sometimes nightmares, and a general reliving of what was experienced.  It’s a very valid space and one where given conditions of empathy in a Counselling space can soothe out the pain of what has taken place to allow healing to occur.

On the other side of the coin there is also post traumatic growth which is less spoken about but seems to be gaining more attention and popularity thesedays.  This is whereas the trauma becomes like an obstacle which is overcome.  I do love all this as there is the sense of the hero/heroine emerging with the battle scars while ultimately stronger.  Tony Robbins is quite a master at igniting this in people and I totally stand for this notion.  There are also really powerful stories by the likes of Michael J Fox (talking about Parkinsons), Mohammed Ali (also talking about Parkinsons disease) and a beautiful book I’m reading now called Grace and Grit by Ken Wilber about his relationship with his terminally ill wife.

I think it’s totally fine to work with whatever space you are in in relation to all this.  It was during the last few months when I was attending some work shops by a coaching colleague who spoke in a way which resonated with me about the potential danger of enhancing the idea of post traumatic growth in the sense it could lead someone to think they were failing if they weren’t getting to this almost super human state.  I resonated with where it was coming from.

After this I then heard a brilliant interview between Joe Rogan and Jane McGonigal.  It is Jane McGonigal who created the game and book called ‘Superbetter’ which is all about overcoming these obstacles.  Her original idea for the game came from her suffering her own brain injury which she then decided to make into a game.  She was asked about the idea of the post traumatic growth and I loved her so human response where she described how it was obviously great to find meaning and therefore grow from a situation.  At the same time though she said how she often got frustrated at constant migraines she had which she never had before.  She was very in touch still with a part of her which still wanted her life before while at the same time finding meaning in the growth which was now occuring.

The term my colleague has is ‘Its okay to be human’.  I think its really important in counselling and coaching to be able to see all three of these dimensions.  There were points where I was maybe just thinking of the first two but there’s a nice reality to be able to take in this middle ground and to be able to feel angst and frustration at some things lost and the regrets while at the same time importantly healing and growing towards a new future with meaning.

I mention this every so often and had a good chat about someone with it the other day. It’s the main Philosophy in the book Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance by Robert Pirsig. If you haven’t read it I’d recommend giving it a go sometime it’s quite a classic.

Pirsig is a school teacher who goes mad in his attempt to rationalise the world. He calls this ‘the ghost of rationality’. He realises in his breakdown and ultimately breakthrough how quality is the guiding force for life. When we care about life and our surroundings it is that feeling of quality (enthusiasm) which guides who we are to who we are becoming and is not rational as humans and life is not rational. We are driven by emotion.

It’s this quality which is rooted in Buddhism and other religions as an essence and guiding force for life. I have heard people say how reading this book really altered their lives for the better. It’s fair to say a lot of the ideas have been repeated over the years as this book was written in 1974.

It’s a great one though to be able to feel into the sense of where your quality is and it is with this connection that guides who you are to who you are becoming, the heroes journey.

I listened to a Coaching session yesterday where a person who said they were feeling suicidal and had ‘tried to’ commit suicide were ultimately supported well. Suicide is a massive issue particularly here in New Zealand. Unfortunately when someone does actually commit suicide that is the actual end. I have come across people who have actually genuinely tried to kill themselves and in fact been disappointed that they have failed. I feel there is another group though here we can help by giving some reframe though.

The dialogue gave a really supportive reframe to the client who said that they had ‘attempted suicide’. The highly skilled Coach was able to reflect back to them the empowerment in what they had actually done. The person had not actually fully wanted to die since if they really had then the actual attempt would have involved taking numerous more bottles of pills and they would not have been vomitting and thrashing around as they described if on the deepest level they had not wanted to be here. On a deeper level an occurrence was taking place showing that life was wanted.

The reframe was given that what had actually taken place was an action out of deperation to be able to get empathy and connection which is such a deep rooted human need. The person on the whole level while feeling in a very low state did not actually fully want to be dead but in fact really wanted to live and following the action had in fact now successfully created a situation where they were being listened to and were therefore getting empathy. So the question then turned to … so where to from here ?

I think that anyone in such a low state to actually take this type of action has to be taken incredibly seriously. What I think too though is that often we can get very caught up in looking at a potential problem and potentially making it larger rather than maybe looking at what is actually occuring and giving the most accurate framing back as a reflection.

In the case of issues like this I feel it’s important to really look at what has actually occurred. If we think that any success is 20% strategy and 80 % psychology we could say in the case of taking ones life the actual strategy is pretty straightforward so it’s important in my view while treating very senstively that we draw attention to a big part of the psychology that is actually taking place which actually really wants to live in these actions.

Someone like Robin Williams no doubt truly wanted to be dead. If in these cases though if it isn’t reflected on as a disappointing failure then what part of the person really wants to live ? What are they looking for on the deepest level ? They’ve now got the attention and empathy so how can we help to make things better than they were before ?

I feel this is something we can do well to bring out more in any one who is operating at this level in order to be supportive and give them what they need to grow.

I’ve found Jen Sincero books ‘You are a badass at making money’ and all Robert Kiyosaki books really helpful for working on our relationship with money. Remember where you are at is okay as long as you see it honestly and also have a vision which is better than where you are at now. It’s never too late.

Money is such a strange thing… or well we are lead to believe that atleast. Something with a kind of supposed quasi religious energy to it but when we really look at it it’s just nothing. It’s the same as a desk (to give the example right in front of me). It’s a thing we have a relationship with our whole lives and we get weird things attached to it which don’t actually make any sense.

Money is the root of all evil is the main big destructive one but there’s a load of others along these lines.

Whether we like it or not money impacts all of our lives. I really like the Rich Dad teaching : ‘Money is never the most important thing… but it impacts everything which is important.’ I also really like the point Jen Sincero made in her books of the either or analogy of ‘I dont care about money I value time with great people and sunsets.’ Well yes great people and sunsets are certainly a priority over a load of paper but if you had a tonne of this paper could you not spend more time with cool people and even bring the beer more often and enjoy a few more nice sunsets ?

I’m really enjoying playing the Cashflow board game every few weeks and actually have my own sheet I keep with me to work with my finances. It’s important to remember that we are always playing the game of money and since this is the case then it makes sense to make sure we are a conscious player rather than unconscious.

The journey of therapy is often making the unconscious conscious so its a good idea to really examine your relationship with money and without judgement to see if it’s one you want to improve. Remember wherever you are at you can get better. Jen Sincero is a great example of someone who was totally at the other end of the scale before totally changing her life.

The resources I’ve given here will all help plus there is a great one which is free online called ‘The science of getting rich’ 🙂