I always remember when I studied Counselling and reading a book by Geoffrey Massan who said that therapy should be abolished. His view was that therapy is by it’s nature abusive. He had barely any conclusion as to what would replace it other than saying that people should make better friendship groups.

His views are generally not well accepted although he did make some good points around actual abuse eg sexual etc which had taken place at points which obviously need serious attention.

I find though that this sometimes comes up with clients whereas they see their friends/partners ‘should’ be able to do things for them.

There is innocence in this but it really needs to be gently nurtured out.

In therapy we focus on making interdependent relationships. 

Two people who are in touch with their own realities, making requests to one another, while being empathic, assertive, etc. We look at building H shape relationships (interdependent) rather than A shape (which are codependent)

We each have our own shadow and this is something people work on in therapy. Shadows are these part of ourselves which we don’t like so much. 

The courage of someone in therapy is the willingness to self examine then grow from this. After a process of therapy people can own their own shadow and build better relationships.

When people overly use friends/partners for all needed support this is where their shadows are inappropriately being put onto the other person. This moves into A shape relationships and causes intensity, disturbance and codependence.

We all need to do shadow work. This can be done with a therapist, it can be done via journaling (allowing a processing of icky feelings), also in close friendships a level of it being let out as additional support is wonderful.

If you are feeling distressed in some ways then having a friend/partner support network is fantastic but it is really important to acknowledge these feelings that are impacting your life and to reach out for therapeutic support. 

It’s time now to take away any stigma of therapy and know that all it is is a good shadow practice which we all may need now and again which is complimented by but never replaced by friendships and relationships.

Have a great day ! 

🙂
Phil J Walker

I have probably wrote about this before but felt it needed another visit after having a wake up call about it in the last few days. The idea of working on the shadow was first brought into Psychology by one of my heroes ‘Carl Jung’. The shadow is all the disowned parts of ourselves, the parts we wished weren’t there. The anger, frustration, resentment. Whatever it is lies outside our conscious awareness. It’s not that these things are bad things in themselves. No emotions are actually bad. They’re just things which are uncomfortable for us. People who come to therapy are often being quite troubled with their shadow. These disturbances are often popping up to the point where people don’t know what to do with them and the validation of therapy and exercises such as journaling help the release of these things and thereby an integration into the overall self.

Renowned Philosopher Ken Wilber speaks about shadow work and it’s importance as an ongoing part of our personal and spiritual growth. He splits our overall integral life practice as he calls it into components of mind, body, spirit, shadow. Mind is naturally things like reading, discussion, etc. Body can involve weights, running, etc. Spirit would be maybe meditation or mindfulness. His great book Integral Life Practice covers this all in detail and the importance of having modules in each area to keep moving forward towards a more enlightened integral life. There isn’t any right or wrong and it can all just be tailor made for us.

If you’re disowning your shadow it will likely be popping up at points but you are not acknowledging it for what it is. It is only by embracing it that we can keep moving forward towards greater authenticity. Ken Wilber discusses the common mistake in shadow disowning and how this is commonly a factor in spirituality of the east. He says how it is quite common for so called enlightened people to still have big shadows. He says that it is the wests main contribution to studies of enlightenment to acknowledge the shadow and shadow work.

In a recent post I saw a quote by Jung even equating shadow work to a metaphor of Jesus on the cross. He said that how the 2 thieves, one on each side of Jesus symbolise the shadow which is owned (the one which goes to heaven) and the other which is disowned goes to hell.

It’s really important to keep reflecting on our own innocence and know we are by nature fundamentally flawed and were never meant to be perfect. That is our beauty as humans.

I have recently been speaking with clients in my counselling work who are being supportive to people with severe mental health issues in their work and have been experiencing burnout mixed with a disowned shadow of ‘but its them with the problems, I shouldn’t feel burned out and frustrated.’ By allowing these uncomfortable feelings to come forward and be acknowldged more progress has been able to occur.

In the last few days I experienced a similar thing which I’m now feeling ‘somewhat’ better about. In my new business I have been hugely engaged in mind and spirit. I have been excelling in those areas. Then suddenly I had a huge bubble up of frustration from shadow. This frustration of people not responding exactly how I would like. I got really pissed off about it. I hated it at first but then expressed it. It’s still coming out now and it’s feeling so much better. To know that this is all okay and is just my shadow and there’s beauty and innocence in that. This release in then going hand in hand with my overall vision of authenticity and personal growth in people coming into my new work. Mixed in with this too so it isn’t just always so light and fluffy there is the important acknleledgement of my own and the shadows of others as the important component of growth. That gritty and messy part which is important to us all on our joureys.

Best wishes everyone….. and work on your shadow

PS Psychotherapy is particularly useful form of shadow work, as is journal writing and also an exercise called the 3 2 1 shadow practice you can find online.

Here is a small youtube video which explains shadow work. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeK4AYG5Kqs

There aren’t any hard and fast rules for choosing a therapist.  It’s best a case of searching online or having a recommendation from someone then exploring and see if the person seems to vibe with you.  Have a look though at the specialties they offer.  I for example have a niche focus in helping people to recover from destructive relationships.  Look through the Counsellors’ information and see if they have a particular niche area where it is you are exploring within yourself.  It can also be good to look at the style of the Counsellor.  I work as an integrative therapist whereas I work to get a supportive grounding in the session of empathy and trust then work sometimes with cognitive behavioural therapy and also with transactional analysis where we look at ways you may be going into a child role or more of a parent role in life.  Look at the style which the therapist uses then do a quick google search to see if this feels aligned for you.

It’s good to keep in mind that the main indicator of successful therapy is the relationship between therapist and client.  If you just don’t connect with a therapist then that’s all okay.  You have the right as a client to find a therapist who fits well for you.  If you’ve taken the step to get therapy then it is important to follow through this step effectively to really get you on the best possible track moving forward.

People sometimes just want to work on themselves to get better or to achieve new goals.  Sometimes there is an intuition that life isn’t quite as you would like it to be.  If you’re reading this then it seems fair to think that you must have some interest in Counselling for whatever reason.  If you then keep in mind that counselling is a resource to use, amongst others which can help you to feel better.  Having a good friend base is great and important, having good self care strategies and any kind of good community is also a good thing.  In Counselling we always work on trying to increase the level of self love so just ask yourself if I loved myself would I speak to someone about this thing that is bothering me?  This can be a good trick for the mind since it is immediately engaging with a greater level of self love by asking oneself this question.  An answer of yes can then take you to therapy or a no means that you are in fact okay for now with other resources you may have.

Typical issues people can come to counselling for can be anxiety, depression, or again a more general feeling that things aren’t quite right and this can be explored out in the therapy session.  There is often some level of a low mood throughout, a feeling of being less than, some kind of frustration and perhaps a lack of meaning in day to day activities.

I offer therapy session from Birkdale and from Remuera.  I see individuals of all ages and also work with couples and families.  I also run a mental health discussion page and a forum to support people recovering from destructive relationships.  I have a blog also on my page covering different issues which you may find helpful.  Please feel free to browse my site and use anything supportive you may find and if you feel like Counselling may be for you then please give me a call, text or e-mail.  I am happy to offer a free 30 minute session by phone even if requested.  It is important never to suffer in silence.

Kind regards

Phil