Breaking Free: Finding Inspiration in Shirley Smith’s Work

One of my favorite books on breaking free from limitations is Shirley Smith’s Set Yourself Free. Years ago, during my own journey through counseling, I found this book incredibly powerful. Smith centers her work around a question that resonated deeply with me: “Am I really free?” She shares how her journey with 12-step programs helped her move beyond codependency and toward genuine freedom. This journey involves moving to a place where we can be fully ourselves, and from there, we often find we connect with the right people. Shirley’s personal experiences and insights offer a relatable pathway toward greater freedom.

A Classic Text on Codependency

In my research into codependency, I came across the powerful words of Melody Beattie, a major voice on this topic. Beattie famously said, “Caring what others think is the cornerstone of codependence.” Her book Codependent No More has become a classic, guiding countless readers in understanding and healing from codependent behaviors. If you’re interested, here’s a link to a video where she discusses the latest edition of her book. Her work reminds us of the importance of setting ourselves free from excessive concern over others’ opinions.

Beattie’s quote has resonated with me over the years, as I’ve come to see that, while we’re all wired for connection, we also need to experience the freedom to be ourselves. True growth often requires the courage to speak honestly with others and establish healthy boundaries.

Role Models for Freedom and Authenticity: David Icke’s Journey

A great example of breaking free to be authentic without fear of judgment is author David Icke. In the early 1990s, after a spiritual awakening, Icke was publicly ridiculed on national television. He has shared that, despite facing laughter on the street, this experience actually freed him, allowing him to live in alignment with his truth. He continued on his path, eventually finding people who understood and supported his journey. Regardless of what people may think of his work, his story demonstrates a powerful model of staying true to oneself.

Embracing Healthy Aloneness and Trusting the Journey

When we choose authenticity, it can naturally lead to changes in our relationships. Personal growth inevitably impacts those around us, and this change may involve spending more time in what I call “healthy aloneness.” Learning to enjoy one’s own company is a valuable skill that can open the door for healthier connections. Eventually, the right people come along, aligning with who we truly are.

This journey of breaking free requires trust. Remaining in a codependent state, however, involves living a lie—pretending to be someone we’re not. Without personal integrity, we are prone to addictive relationships and may feel trapped in others’ shadows. Although challenging, the journey of being true to ourselves is always worth it.

Brene Brown on Vulnerability and True Belonging

Brené Brown eloquently captures the courage of this journey with her words: “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” In her book Braving the Wilderness, Brown discusses the paradox of belonging, explaining that to truly connect, we must stand authentically alone at times. Her TED Talk on vulnerability has also become widely popular, and I highly recommend it for anyone interested in exploring these ideas.

Reaching Out for Support

If you feel trapped by others’ judgments or struggle to express your true self, this is something we can work on together. You don’t have to face these challenges alone.

Take care and all the best,
Phil
Counsellor and Provisional Member of the New Zealand Association of Counsellors

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