Get in touch 

Articles Tagged with: LoveInTransition
Home / Blog Archives
June 10, 2024

Treating your relationship like a business: A successful approach

I find it helpful with couples to look at treating your relationship like a business. For my in-person sessions, when I have the couple present, I’ll say, “how is the relationship going?” I give the speech about how we are looking at it like a somewhat separate but connected entity, the same as we would when looking at a business.

The Gottman Principle: Compliments vs. Criticisms

I work with the Gottman principle which says that couples should work to 5 compliments versus 1 criticism as a baseline quota. I do my best to get my couples to aim for 8 to 1 to make the foundation even more solid.

Recognizing Contributions

Here I encourage couples to say what the other has been giving. It may be a struggle at first, so sometimes I prod, “well he/she must be doing something right?” Em well, I guess they are showing up, they came here today. Then I can write ‘committed to showing up.’

When couples can see what each other are adding, they feel validated by each other, and we are creating a new context for the relationship to continue. They can see what each other are adding and make requests of what they would like from the other over the next week hypothetically. Then we can come back the same the following week.

Addressing Imbalances

If there is over blaming towards one party or if someone is simply not as invested, then it is important to bring this into the light.

There is often an imbalance in couples when I first meet them. This is where we can do systemic work and just work with one party at a time, potentially then keep coming back together as a couple as and when we can to build this relationship like the business as discussed here.

Working with Individuals

Sometimes I work with individuals who I perceive as being overly blamed for issues in the relationship. It’s almost as if their partner has sent them to be fixed. Although there is certainly a space for clients coming to me following an ultimatum given by their partner e.g. their anger to work on, there are often cases of the partner not in counseling, to some degree disowning their own responsibility and projecting their own issues onto the respective client coming to sessions.

Invoking the Partner in Sessions

In these cases, I still give this idea of treating the relationship like a business, and we somewhat invoke the partner into the session. What might they say you were giving to the relationship? If my client says nothing, then it’s an opportunity to potentially see that their partner may not be playing ball as much as they’d like them to in the relationship and can then bring further discussion.

I think as the counselor that through this kind of practice a conversation may continue between my client and their partner, which will be constructive in some way, bringing out more truth between them and potentially even the non-present party perhaps coming to the sessions at a later time maybe due to them not liking how they were being represented in the session. This is a win-win. ‘I wouldn’t have said that; I would have said this, I’ll show you and the counselor.’

Conclusion

If you are in a relationship right now, it’s a good idea to think about the Gottman principle and if you have a 5 to 1 baseline of compliments versus criticisms. Do you have this in your relationship?

Reach out if I can help you with your relationship.

All the best,
Phil

021 058 3234
www.newbeginningstherapy.co.nz
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/session-booking/
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/package-page/

January 17, 2024

Human Design. A curious path to possibly explore for building foundations in your life. 

In my work I am always looking for the best way to help people to build foundations in their own life and then to build the best possible relationships with other people. 

Over the years I have tended to explore things personally and then find the value and then share with others as and when it is all seeming good and the way to go so to speak. 

It was in the last few months I came across the idea of ‘Human Design’. I have to say I am finding it very interesting in terms of a level of application with my own life and now some of my clients are also benefiting from and resonating with the ideas here. 

It’s partly based on Astrological charts although going deeper and much more specific. Without me trying to explain it fully and likely not even explaining it properly (as I’m just a beginner) I’ll just say you can get a free chart for yourself online such as here: https://ahumandesign.com/ 
 
It uses your birth time, date and place to create it for you. 
 
There are a lot of details in a chart but the main things which can give an immediate jolt to work with should you be interested is that you get a classification of being a : Generator, manifesting generator, manifestor, projector, or reflector. These are all different ways of being in the world which are quite easy to relate to ways we may have been conditioned to be. There is then a specific authority in terms of how we be in relation to this so to speak. 
 
It does get more and more complex but if I just quote a course I’m doing around this the person who seems something of an expert on it thought that 80% of your outcomes can come from just understanding your type and then your authority. 
 
I admit I was skeptical about this for sure. I do think healthily skepticism in fact is a healthy thing but I have found it somewhat resonating as a thing to explore. 
 
I am a Generator myself and my authority is in responding and responding via emotional authority. 
 
This is something that I’m currently on a journey of learning more about and applying to my life. I wanted to just share with you where I’m up to and my thoughts so far. 
 
As you know I am committed to helping people the best I can to build foundations in their lives and build their best possible relationships and I certainly feel this is a potential tool to use to do just that. 
 
If you are interested I’d recommend just getting your free reading on the link then having an explore into the core components of it. 
 
So much of Counselling and Psychology is around us being true to ourselves etc etc and it’s very interesting to think if this does really provide another piece of the jigsaw potentially. 
 
All the best and wishing you a lovely rest of the day. 
 
Phil 


Phone: 64 (0)21 058 3234 

For great free content go to: http://mygreatrelationships.com

To book in: https://calendly.com/philwalkernz80 

Website: https://www.newbeginningstherapy.co.nz

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/philwalkercounselling 

Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@philwalkercounselling 

Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/philwalkercounselling 


Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/philwalkercounselling/


January 11, 2024

Entering new relationships as consciously as possible. 

When I work with people who are overcoming a destructive relationship there’s commonly healing work to be done in building self-foundations as I call it. That really taking time to feel the tough to face pain which we’d rather gloss over to allow ourselves to recognise it’s realness. When we’ve been in a relationship which has caused distress, we can be so used to carrying the other person’s baggage we can lose total sense of ourselves. It’s like we have been swept away by a whirlwind temporarily and then have come crashing back down to earth. Other analogies people tell me are like being on a rollercoaster. 

When we get off the rollercoaster ride there can be a strong mixture of emotions. Things like grief, trauma, and not uncommonly a strange kind of relief mixed in. We got out before it was too late. It’s often this last one people find the hardest to accept in themselves funnily enough. 

People typically seek to be in relationships, and I find that healing can be something of a dance between getting our own self foundations back through our journaling, meditation, time with friends, and this meeting new people. 

There are learning experiences from the respective ex. Usually realising red flags, I won’t do that again kind of things. Sometimes but not always the healing work involves a healing of actual patterns going back to our own childhood. 

If there’s a general trick of the trade to implement here it would be to try to enter new relationships as consciously as possible. Whether you’ve needed to do healing work from your family of origin or not there are common experiences of recognising how we maybe let things slide which we wish we hadn’t in retrospect.  

There’s natural emotions and biology mixed in with any relationships and I don’t believe we can ever be totally pragmatic, but one therapist said about the move from being reactive to being more responsible (which she split into ‘response – able’). 

Sometimes when people go through self-recovery, they recognise that they have been on a kind of autopilot. A roller door kind of thinking and making more kneejerk reactions rather than conscious decisions. This is commonly the case when the person has had certain dysfunctional family dynamics from their family of origin. Regardless of if this is the case or if the now past romantic relationship was just an unusual more one-off event the trick seems to follow a similar process something like: 
 
1. Building/rebuilding our own self connection and self-foundations  

2. Practicing the appropriate communication with others 

It’s mainly from number 1 here in building our new self-connections which allows us to enter new relationships more consciously. A Therapist I knew always used to say ‘don’t should on yourself’. You’d be surprised about how many people do this even in subtle ways. I’d invite you to think about if you do it. I should be more like this or that. Notice if you do these things to cover up your own truth. 

It’s in this rebuilding of foundations process where we can grow to a healthier sense of self-esteem. One of which we can be with and learn to trust our own internal guidance system. To give yourself permission to recognise if something feels a bit off (self-relationship) and then to decide whether you either pull a bit away from the person (clinical communication practice) or have a discussion with them (adult communication practice). 

The point is whichever communication you choose to use with the other person doesn’t matter if it is empowered and from a response able (conscious) place, and this is the thing. It’s just the practice of learning to be more conscious in your relationships. 

There’s a lovely book I’ve sometimes recommended to clients, it’s called ‘It’s just a date’. I found this a nice book and I’d recommend this to anyone now looking to build healthier relationships and to be more conscious in their new dating life following a less than constructive relationship. 

How conscious do you feel you are in your relationships right now ? 

Reach out if I can help. 

https://calendly.com/philwalkernz80 

Browse my site for my latest package options and my digital program.

New Beginnings Therapy

All the best 

Phil 


PS. If you are not already receiving free content from me to help your relationships then go to www.mygreatrelationships.com 

January 4, 2024

How Counselling helps us to heal our distress and then work on our relationships. 

Often when I speak with clients, especially the first time, they’ll tell me afterwards how much lighter they feel after having just expressed. Words like ‘I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders’ are not uncommon. 

When I help people to build foundations in their life and to ultimately build better relationships and a new future there are inevitably different strategies and theories to draw on. 

However, there is a therapeutic idea which I always try to run through my work which is called ‘The value of being there’. It was taught in my core training I did in ‘Person Centred Therapy’. 

It’s creating an experience of someone just being there with you in the issue you are experiencing in the present. It sounds simple doesn’t it and often when people first have therapy they are immediately asking for some kind of tip or technique. 

Often though the adding of something isn’t what is required, at least not straight away. 

It’s the creation of this experience which is vital to allow you the space to be in your human tussle of whatever it is that is going on right now. It’s the being with that which is always the start of really getting into what is wrong and a space where foundations can shift then new communication and new vision can rise. 

People can try to avoid this too maybe unconsciously. I’ve found that since some of my clients prefer online there’s sometimes been a casual approach people have had to coming to the session e.g. logging on while driving etc which I’ve had to direct against as it stops this experience taking place. 

I want to let you know I will always try to create this in our sessions to one degree or another, even at points when your first thought or pull may be that you don’t necessarily want this. I am always working to help you as much as possible and I want to emphasise the importance of this part of therapy and let you know it’s a very normal wanting and often missed experience in people’s lives that you may even not be aware of fully. The way the ‘value of being there’ experience helps is quite outstanding. I’ve been there as a client myself too back in the day. 

When I studied Person centred therapy the value of being there was pretty much the central theme, whereas this space was given allowing you as the client to go through what you were experiencing and ultimately find your way through. I’ve seen this work and know it helps but I’ll say that I never got with the idea of purely practicing it purely because it can take so long and, in my view, not giving my clients the best value for money. I also think that in terms of moving to the best life and relationships that a mixture of Coaching strategies too is also hugely important so I seek to incorporate these too. 

I really wanted to bring forward today though the value of being there and to let you know it’s okay to acknowledge you may not have had this as much as you’d like and to let you know it is not a strange thing in any way to want and to experience huge benefits in your life purely from this in counselling sessions. 

I am back in office on Monday 8 January and very happy to book you in should you wish either online or in person. Go to the link here to book in directly for a package or one time online individual session: https://calendly.com/philwalkernz80 

To get started on my Foundation builder digital program which is available in it’s downloadable form and at current price for just a short while longer. Go to the Foundation builder page on my website. 

Give me a call for any further details.  

Wishing you an amazing start to the year. 

Phil 

021 058 3234 
 
PS. If you are not already receiving free content from me to help your relationships then go to www.mygreatrelationships.com