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August 6, 2024

Improve your romantic relationship with a simple strategy

As a therapist, I often work with relationships in trouble. There are many techniques and tools we dive into to improve things and move towards a common goal. Today, I want to share a simple yet potentially relationship-saving tool to help you improve your romantic relationship. It’s worth a try if you’re not already doing this.

Commit to 90 Minutes of Talking and One Date per Week to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

It’s as simple as committing to speaking with your loved one for a total of 90 minutes per week and having one date per week. You might already be doing this, or maybe not. Either way, let’s delve deeper to make this clearer and more comprehensive.

The Importance of Talking in Improving Your Romantic Relationship

The talking involves a specific type of communication. In transactional analysis, it’s called the ‘Adult ego state’. Here, you are assertive, honest, timely, and express your wants and needs. Our minds often overcomplicate things by trying to fix or analyze too much. The idea is to show up and be present with what is happening. For instance, you might be upset about the state of the house, want to discuss your next date, or suggest an activity you haven’t done in a while.

The goal is to honestly express your feelings. Simple starter statements like ‘I feel…’ and ‘I would like…’ can help connect with your partner. It takes two to tango, so both partners need to be on board. However, even if you start this practice alone, you might see positive changes. If you feel rebutted by your partner, bring it into the conversation. How did you feel when your communication was pushed back? What do you want? How would you like your relationship to be?

A psychologist I learned this from gives this as a must in the first session with clients. While I don’t assign homework, I do check on this aspect of the relationship and suggest it as a possibility to try.

The Power of a Weekly Date to Improve Your Romantic Relationship

Remember, the date doesn’t need to be extravagant. The key is doing something of mutual interest that both partners enjoy. Whether it’s going out to the cinema or relaxing at home with a glass of wine and a movie, the important part is spending quality time together.

Reflect on Your Relationship

How are you feeling right now? What’s coming up for you as you reflect on your relationship and consider this strategy to improve your romantic relationship?

I encourage you to give this a try if you want to improve your romantic relationship. Tools like this can be very helpful, but remember, they are not a replacement for therapy sessions. I am back after my leave and available for in-person sessions at Highland Park Community House in Auckland and online via Zoom. Feel free to reach out if I can help you and your relationships.

Give me a call, email, or book directly through the link below.

All the best, Phil
021 058 3234

https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/session-booking/

Check out these articles for more relationship tips:

The Importance of Date Night

How to Communicate Better in a Relationship

New Beginnings Therapy

Philip@newbeginningstherapy.co.nz 
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/package-page/
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/foundation-builder-1-0/

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June 17, 2024

Finding Your Destiny by Fixing What is Bothering You

Introduction

I recently attended a psychology lecture and thought it would be great to share its content on finding your destiny. In the world of social media, there is so much comparison for people, which can be destructive, I think.

The Impact of Comparison and Overthinking

Very often, we can find ourselves in a place of comparison paralysis. Moreover, even without comparison, overthinking what this big thing we need to do may be and consequently not really doing anything at all.

The Symbolism of Yin Yang

The lecturer I was listening to drew attention to the Yin Yang symbol you may be familiar with. Specifically, this can be seen as a representation of order and chaos with the line in between the two sides being ‘the way’ we are working to find. This is the essence of Tao.

Identifying and Fixing What Bothers You

Looking around you literally just in your physical environment, you can easily notice from sensation things that are bothering you. For instance, are there some empty glasses still on the desk? Are there some wayward papers you could tidy up?

The Principle of Getting Your House in Order

The teaching I was listening to discussed the general idea of ‘getting your own house in order’. Essentially, it’s all about really taking things back to the most basic level and going from there.

Insights from Carl Jung

I’m reminded also of some Carl Jung I have been reading, who spoke about how God speaks to us in our dreams through symbols and how often people don’t find God ‘because they don’t look low enough.’ You can find more about it in his book Man and His Symbols.

The Concept of ‘Good’ and Practical Solutions

This isn’t to talk about God as a necessary out there being but rather a meditation of some way of ‘good’. Therefore, the way forward is maybe much more readily available than we think.

Creating Order from Chaos

By constantly dealing with what is bothering you, there is inevitably a process taking place. Consequently, you will be creating greater order from chaos which is around you and falling in line with what Tao calls ‘the way’. Learn more about the meaning of the Yin Yang symbol.

The Journey of Addressing Small Issues

It’s an inevitability that by doing this, you will be branching out more and more into things that are bothering you.

Avoiding Comparison Paralysis

All too often, it seems we look out there too much to stop ourselves before we even start by a type of comparison paralysis and look at big social things we’d like to change when our bedroom is a mess.

Starting with What’s Bothering You Nearby

Taking things back to this simplicity of starting with what is bothering you near you can set you on a journey of consistently making a greater peace of mind. This is the way. This is destiny. The things that bother you will keep showing up so you can solve greater problems and you can become more fully expressed and become more of a person of value. Consequently, finding your destiny becomes a clearer and more achievable path.

Conclusion

Addressing these issues is essential in the journey of finding your destiny. By consistently dealing with what is bothering you, you create greater order from the chaos around you. Ultimately, this process aligns with the Taoist concept of ‘the way’. As you solve smaller problems, you build momentum to tackle larger issues, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

All the best,
Phil


021 058 3234
www.newbeginningstherapy.co.nz
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/session-booking/
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/package-page/

June 10, 2024

Treating your relationship like a business: A successful approach

I find it helpful with couples to look at treating your relationship like a business. For my in-person sessions, when I have the couple present, I’ll say, “how is the relationship going?” I give the speech about how we are looking at it like a somewhat separate but connected entity, the same as we would when looking at a business.

The Gottman Principle: Compliments vs. Criticisms

I work with the Gottman principle which says that couples should work to 5 compliments versus 1 criticism as a baseline quota. I do my best to get my couples to aim for 8 to 1 to make the foundation even more solid.

Recognizing Contributions

Here I encourage couples to say what the other has been giving. It may be a struggle at first, so sometimes I prod, “well he/she must be doing something right?” Em well, I guess they are showing up, they came here today. Then I can write ‘committed to showing up.’

When couples can see what each other are adding, they feel validated by each other, and we are creating a new context for the relationship to continue. They can see what each other are adding and make requests of what they would like from the other over the next week hypothetically. Then we can come back the same the following week.

Addressing Imbalances

If there is over blaming towards one party or if someone is simply not as invested, then it is important to bring this into the light.

There is often an imbalance in couples when I first meet them. This is where we can do systemic work and just work with one party at a time, potentially then keep coming back together as a couple as and when we can to build this relationship like the business as discussed here.

Working with Individuals

Sometimes I work with individuals who I perceive as being overly blamed for issues in the relationship. It’s almost as if their partner has sent them to be fixed. Although there is certainly a space for clients coming to me following an ultimatum given by their partner e.g. their anger to work on, there are often cases of the partner not in counseling, to some degree disowning their own responsibility and projecting their own issues onto the respective client coming to sessions.

Invoking the Partner in Sessions

In these cases, I still give this idea of treating the relationship like a business, and we somewhat invoke the partner into the session. What might they say you were giving to the relationship? If my client says nothing, then it’s an opportunity to potentially see that their partner may not be playing ball as much as they’d like them to in the relationship and can then bring further discussion.

I think as the counselor that through this kind of practice a conversation may continue between my client and their partner, which will be constructive in some way, bringing out more truth between them and potentially even the non-present party perhaps coming to the sessions at a later time maybe due to them not liking how they were being represented in the session. This is a win-win. ‘I wouldn’t have said that; I would have said this, I’ll show you and the counselor.’

Conclusion

If you are in a relationship right now, it’s a good idea to think about the Gottman principle and if you have a 5 to 1 baseline of compliments versus criticisms. Do you have this in your relationship?

Reach out if I can help you with your relationship.

All the best,
Phil

021 058 3234
www.newbeginningstherapy.co.nz
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/session-booking/
https://newbeginningstherapy.co.nz/package-page/

January 17, 2024

Human Design. A curious path to possibly explore for building foundations in your life. 

In my work I am always looking for the best way to help people to build foundations in their own life and then to build the best possible relationships with other people. 

Over the years I have tended to explore things personally and then find the value and then share with others as and when it is all seeming good and the way to go so to speak. 

It was in the last few months I came across the idea of ‘Human Design’. I have to say I am finding it very interesting in terms of a level of application with my own life and now some of my clients are also benefiting from and resonating with the ideas here. 

It’s partly based on Astrological charts although going deeper and much more specific. Without me trying to explain it fully and likely not even explaining it properly (as I’m just a beginner) I’ll just say you can get a free chart for yourself online such as here: https://ahumandesign.com/ 
 
It uses your birth time, date and place to create it for you. 
 
There are a lot of details in a chart but the main things which can give an immediate jolt to work with should you be interested is that you get a classification of being a : Generator, manifesting generator, manifestor, projector, or reflector. These are all different ways of being in the world which are quite easy to relate to ways we may have been conditioned to be. There is then a specific authority in terms of how we be in relation to this so to speak. 
 
It does get more and more complex but if I just quote a course I’m doing around this the person who seems something of an expert on it thought that 80% of your outcomes can come from just understanding your type and then your authority. 
 
I admit I was skeptical about this for sure. I do think healthily skepticism in fact is a healthy thing but I have found it somewhat resonating as a thing to explore. 
 
I am a Generator myself and my authority is in responding and responding via emotional authority. 
 
This is something that I’m currently on a journey of learning more about and applying to my life. I wanted to just share with you where I’m up to and my thoughts so far. 
 
As you know I am committed to helping people the best I can to build foundations in their lives and build their best possible relationships and I certainly feel this is a potential tool to use to do just that. 
 
If you are interested I’d recommend just getting your free reading on the link then having an explore into the core components of it. 
 
So much of Counselling and Psychology is around us being true to ourselves etc etc and it’s very interesting to think if this does really provide another piece of the jigsaw potentially. 
 
All the best and wishing you a lovely rest of the day. 
 
Phil 


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