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Monthly Archives: March 2018
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March 28, 2018

Reflections and growth through narcissism 2

Continuing a theme of some feelings, reflections and growth through narcissism

Them just going on.  Dominating, controlling, an inability to leave anyone alone.  Running up to someone else to gang up on you if you say something that doesn’t fit with their viewpoint.  A total gang mentality.  Completely and utterly normalised as the supposed best way forward.  As if somehow they’re the pioneers for the future of humanity when the truth could barely be so different.

As soon as not being totally right is threatened the vampire teeth come out.  Then it’s unwinnable.  You’re dead ! A forum of zero empathy.  The only way forward is backing out and away at which point you’ve become the crazy one.  He/she has gone crazy they’ll say.  You’re left as a shell while a calmer one wondering what was real, if anything.  Even years of having it affirmed you weren’t at fault still leaves you doubting.

Shadows and toxic shame as principles to be aware of and work on are non existent.  It’s just about winning.  Principles about actualising are ridiculed, but it’s their shadow that is saying this which has been repressed into their unconscious.  We’re just animals seeking domination.  The worst person wins.  Partly true while totally self contradictory in where they speak from.  Narcissists and Psychopaths do win at the time.

We need to see that and aspire to be the revered person.  To study principles of the creative and self actualisers and know that destructive behaving people only do this from their own sense of shame.  We can work to our place of peace and see the darkness but become an example of light for others to see.
Note: I am available for skype and phone sessions. Transfers through paypal available for international clients.  Please contact to schedule a session.

March 28, 2018

Reflections and growth through narcissism

A way of being promoting I’m right and you’re wrong.  Animalistic domination and ultimately existential meaninglessness combined with a narcissistic self righteousness for those around them and condemnation for anyone who wants to leave the cult.  Codependent disappointedness.  Zero promotion of a quest for a fuller self in self or in others.  Merely a promotion of inertia.  An environment where nothing truly good or lasting could flourish until the environment is seen for what it actually is which involves a waking up.
Personal development became lost in postmodernism.  This deconstructivism causing everything to become meaningless if you want it to be.  A promotion of arrogance and empathic detachment from the world around us.  A way of looking of ‘that’s good’, ‘that’s good’ when it kind of fits what we like and attacks some kind of paradigm which we see to be offensive in some way.  Complete and utter detachment from one’s own shadow.  The energy producing the thoughts and any kind of growth in the individual or in anyone else around them is taken away.  It’s just a taking of control, a colonising for personal amusement.  Slaves around to feed off and climb upon.  A shame projection which no one on the other side could feel good about but just won’t have any choice but to put up with unless they’re actually so messed up and as detached as the perpetrator in some way.  A non winnable battle.
Life changes into a dog eat dog battle with zero core of compassion.  A view that people are all evil while strongly being condemning and judging to those around them.  Missing the point that if everyone is evil then so are they in their intentions and what they are doing.  It’s as if things changed into purely rhetoric for the sake of control and nothing else is left.  This is the shadow world of the narcissist/borderline and became a common university discourse.  The extreme postmodern flatland world of green pathology.
Rampant narcissism overtook compassion.  The idea of self compassion then being able to be more compassionate to others is non existent.  It’s a world where the individual shadow is completely non acknowledged.  ‘We’re just animals and it’s what you get off on.’  A ripping one another apart and looking for domination and inevitably the worst person would win.  There isn’t any sense of being lead and somehow inspired to grow.  Who can take the manipulation the furthest?
This is a way is what has happened in larger society.  Donald Trump becoming president of the United States.  An absolute classic narcissist.  We’ve become fooled and enchanted by quickness, the way things look, a witty sharp cutting comment which can hack someone down in the moment.  Tactful political domination and control.  Here is the danger though of associating the dilemma with purely the right wing.  The narcissism is on every fragment.  Any kind of forum where there is a chance to control others.  Narcissists are skilled in finding ways so it can all look socially acceptable.  It’s important to step back from this now and look inwards at ourselves and what is going on.
It’s important to take the journey within.  It’s my belief that it’s only from there that we can ultimately create an individual life and a world of greater wholeness.  Narcissists go to every level to win in the moment.  It’s about an I’m right or the highway mentality.  I’m ever so slightly at least a bit better than you and you are subordinate to me.  A working to trip up and have some kind of last world as the priority.  Integrity is out.  Arguments and changing contexts to suit whatever works and wins at that exact point in time.  It’s all about ‘looking’ and being right ‘at that exact point’.
Narcissists are so driven by this and so convincing I feel the only way to free oneself from this is to experience a real sense of love.  Whether it’s given through a therapist or somehow found within, or from a supportive friend.  A sense that I’m actually okay and worthy of love just like I am.  It’s from that point when a light can be switched on and although there are still many pitfalls there are also many possibilities.  Life becomes about just becoming you.  Becoming more whole is the way to help the world to become more whole too.  It’s accessing the place where selfish and unselfish become the same thing.  There will always be attempts by Narcissists to objectify and demean this process but by staying strong we can come to a much stronger place and gain access to a realm where life is always an adventure.
This dog eat dog place of control and domination.  Overly intellectual conversation condemning and assessing what is going on ‘out there’ where we are somewhere else removed.  As if we’re somehow on some high pedestal of judgement to say how the world should be and win our own argument as to why something is the case.  This space though is only a space of narcissism and inertia.  A promotion of inertia too.  A place where nothing actualised and creative really comes from at all.
Again it’s here where we take our own responsibility.  What others or anyone in fact things becomes irrelevant.  It’s about finding it within yourself and in that you become more real and can connect in your own unique while very constructive way.
All that energy which was going into this strange acting out serving zero purpose can be taken back to the wound inside which you and so many people have.  It’s important to find that voice.  Find your space and solitude and let you hear your own voice and let it speak to you.  You’re safe now.  No one is going to storm in or start shouting some opinion you never asked for anyway or start telling you who’s a terrible person or try to distract you.  It’s important to find that place.  It’s from that calm space where the journey begins and where healing can really happen.
Being aware of what’s outside.  The computer being on in part shut down mode and the neighbour talking, the car driving by.  The bird sound outside, everything is okay as long as it’s real.  There’s no need to keep intellectualising.  Taking back to the body.  There’s no need to try anymore.  You can just be who you are from your peace of body going outwards and that’s all okay.

Narcissists are our greatest teachers.  In a world where there is so much darkness maybe it is really like we have our greatest chance to be able to use this to go inside and to see the truth.  In the grand scheme of things it’s good to get to a place where all the suffering makes sense for us as individuals.  It has all given us greater power to be able to come through and to individuate ourselves.

Note: I am available for skype and phone sessions. Transfers through paypal available for international clients.  Please contact to schedule a session.

March 15, 2018

Refugees Project

Empowering refugees through craft. Your help and support is needed.

New Beginnings Therapy is proud to support HOPE Worldwide Pakistan with it’s new project. The mission of HOPE worldwide Pakistan is to promote empowerment, social justice and protect the fundamental human rights of vulnerable groups by advocating against human rights abuses. It is also to support, educate and improve the capacity of vulnerable groups in whatever way possible.

In this program HOPE worldwide is coordinating and fundraising for the ‘Empowering refugees through craft program.’ This is designed to empower urban refugees and asylum seekers. This program would particularly focus on women and young girls to empower and educate them to become more self sufficient. These women and girls would be given opportunities to learn new skills that can be used to generate an income and therefore to sustain as healthy and as productive a lifestyle as possible.

I feel very passionately about this project and as a therapist I am aware of the huge importance of meaning needed to make lives feel that they are worth living. Just this week I attended a course around suicide on this exact issue. Interestingly enough it raised a case of a young lady who was able to come out of her crisis by making and selling a craft that she had a skill in making. This further increased the potential I felt this project had and the difference that could be made for these peoples’ lives while they are in this very difficult situation.

This project would provide adequate training to women with required vocational skills to make different crafts products. These products could be items like beaded purses, hand bags, key chains, oven gloves, door mats, socks and caps. Once the funding has been obtained the project HOPE team will then take these items to advertise and make possible sales at markets and local communities in Thailand and New Zealand.

HOPE needs to raise $1000 to kickstart this project and is aiming to get this in the next month.

Please donate to the account of HOPE Worldwide Pakistan 06 0622 092842 00. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Warm regards

Phil Walker (Director of New Beginnings Therapy)
And Khurram Malik (Director of HOPE Worldwide Pakistan)

March 15, 2018

The Pyramid of needs, safety, Carl Rogers, and narcissistic abuse

As someone who is specialising in supporting people to recover from narcissistic abuse I have realised more and more the absolute profoundness of working on the sense of emotional and physical safety. As silly as it may initially sound what happens when someone feels abused in whatever way is that they are emotionally afraid (sometimes physically too). This impacts on the solar plexus which is our centre of empowerment.

I think of the pyramid of needs by Abraham Maslow and how the lowest level is about safety and realised how many people who have suffered in this way simply do not feel safe so are therefore unable to progress through the stages. I practice mindfulness in sessions with clients and have also encouraged simple meditative practices of resting on the bed while looking up and just holding your stomach area and recognising that however unsafe you may have felt in the past that you are safe now ad you have the power now to look after yourself and keep yourself safe.

Carl Rogers said how when we have the core conditions of empathy congruence and unconditional positive regard we grow towards being more fully functioning. In this process rather than becoming more narcissistic (as was hypothesised by some) we actually become more constructive and giving while at the same time being able to look after ourselves well. We are able to regulate our emotions and ultimately work towards being a person of true service. It is hear that we need to recognise our humanness and that to some extent we are irrational beings. Carl Jung (one of my heroes) speaks of the rational and irrational connection. We are naturally organic and emotional. Narcissists often operate and demean using a highly rationalised cruel way of being which hijacks emotion and our own intuitive guidance (our organismic valusing process).

By looking after ourselves on this level and recognising and validating our need and right to safety we are able to grow into our truest and deepest selves.