Grief is a big word and very regularly is part of someones’ story in their something to work on with me.

There are what I’d call grief life events which are in more immediate awareness so are the main focus of grief immediately. I work with people who are working through the death of a loved one or grieving the loss of a relationship (another type of death).

Often too when people are just feeling conflicted, that sense that things aren’t quite right in their lives and we look back and explore the past as a way to be able to move on there can be the realization that relationships weren’t all we thought they were.

There’s often a challenge of people seeing that the idea they’ve always had about a relationship and the way it should be is in fact not in line with the reality of what is or has actually gone on.

Realising that a parent was never there for us the way we really needed them to be in itself brings up grief as an inevitable part of the journey.

Grief by default is an experience related to something dying. It can be the actual death of a person and also the death of a relationship which has ended and also the death of an idea of the way we thought a relationship was or our idea of what we wanted it to be.

When we can validate the experience and bring grief more to the surface in a safe counselling space it often comes through in waves.

Bringing it out at the start can be partly refreshing as if we’ve found the answer and it is being seen and validated but also go hand in hand with the greater depths of it being stirred up.

I often mention the grief model of Kubler Ross whereas she spoke of grief in 5 stages which are: Anger , denial, depression, denial, then finally acceptance.

This is not a linear process. People typically dot around between these different points. I find that the safe Counseling space and whatever is occurring for the individual just being validated in combination with knowing about these different stages at a start point can give a good container to be able to go through the grief process organically.

Practices like meditation can be beneficial just to ease this process and to keep the emotions flowing. I find journaling a good practice too so we are kept in flow as a kind of extension of the Counselling work and to make sure we are keeping as aware as possible and keep feeling.

It’s overwhelmingly important to keep bringing things to the surface and not push anything away. It’s the pushing away which leads to more serious problems and conflicts in ourselves and in our relationships potentially.

By creating a new structure and validating the grief we can allow things to move. While we are in this process though I find a good mindset helpful to work through whereby we acknowledge and validate we are going through a grief process while having self compassion and somewhat compartmentalising the process. Noticing strong emotions coming up at work for example can be good to notice and to recognise that whereas we need to get through work right now we can maybe give ourselves a 30 minute window when we get home to be able to just feel all that is going on in ourselves.

I find mixed with this too we can work on our state to avoid getting over consumed by the process. Giving ourselves half an hour for example then after then putting on netflix for an hour can sometimes be good to keep things from breaking up and to know grief is part of our life but not our whole life.

I usually employ a combination of Counselling (looking to the past) and Coaching (now to the future) support and strategies to keep finding the best combination to support.

I’ve heard some coaches add the word ‘creativity’ to the stages of grief. I think this can be good and helpful (not just wishful thinking) . The idea that somewhere on some level something else can be created, a new meaning, a new way of being. It’s a balancing act here as we may still desperately want the person, or the thing we had before back which is a thing to acknowledge while also being in this creative process and working towards a new.

Supporting people to recover from destructive relationships has been a pillar of my work for some time now. I thought it would be good just to share a few general insights and tips around this.

1. Remember first of all that your emotional reality is your reality.

I often work with people questioning themselves and if it is them who has the ‘problem’ . The great thing about working with this issue is that we never need to finger point and blame another person. People often get hung up on reading about narcissistic traits and wondering if the other person is maybe even diagnosable on this level but this isn’t really important to your journey.

The fact that you are feeling a certain way and are experiencing something as problematic enough to reach out for support shows you have a level of disturbance within you which is in itself worthy of respect.

Everyone has their own emotional reality and when we can just honour this as your ground zero we can start to explore like archeologists. We can explore what is/has been occuring in the relationship and how it is making you feel and what this is this bringing up for you.

My being with and honouring this in a safe space we can build esteem, boundaries, and a new foundation to communicate from.

2. Have a regular self connection practice.

I’ve known for many years now as a therapist that self connection is vital but I’d say most clients I work with do not have a committed practice at least at the start of therapy.

By self connection we just mean something which is connecting with who you are and your own emotional flow as to what is going on in life.

I personally find a combination of meditation plus journal writing to be fantastic for this and are often my recommendations to try to start with.

I find an easy start for meditation is to try a guided meditation. There are plenty online but one I often recommend if you have spotify is Amanda Ferguson Life works and the third track which is Journey to the sacred self.

Amanda was my first Counsellor and this track is perfect and in fact even talks you through the purpose of meditation to move into slower alpha brain waves (rather than day to day beta brainwaves). The science shows that 20 minutes of alpha state per day for 3 weeks leads to a marked improvement in physical, emotional, and mental health.

In addition to this a practice of journaling can be really powerful. The key here is for your journaling to be a ‘stream of consciousness’. You don’t need to focus on anything in particular, just let whatever is going on for you just come out. There are no hard and fast rules on this. Some people say to practice first thing in the morning. I personally think a pen and paper practice is better than on the laptop.

I find that journaling allows us to go that bit deeper to really dig more into what we would call our shadow and get out the truth of how we are feeling about stuff.

I feel like meditation can be like the type of lubricant to go in between our unconscious and conscious and let stuff come through and the journaling is the self archeological work.

Counselling and Coaching then provides the professional experience for the self connection to go deeper. It’s important for this to be an integrated experience so we are having the needed professional support while also doing our own press ups so to speak.

3. Practice adult / clinical communication.

I always teach individuals and couples to work on staying in adult communication style which is characterised by being assertive, honest, time appropriate, and addressing our wants and needs. This is said to be the only empowered type of communication.

The less empowered types are child communication which is passive and our needs are not being met or ‘parent’ whereas we are being aggressive and ignoring the rights of others.

We can take our own responsibility to be in ‘adult’ but we need to keep in mind that we can never control the other person. In the case of moving out of a destructive relationship a more ‘clinical’ working could be what is required and in this case we are actually setting very strong boundaries and behaving in a way to keep us protected but without letting the other person know. I would recommend to search ‘Amanda Ferguson dealing with difficult people’ on google to see the web page with some great strategies of working clinically which my clients find helpful.

For those unfamiliar there is an idea that there are five love languages which basically means five different ways we may enjoy receiving love.

The different love languages are: Physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts.

There is a book by Gary Chapman called The five love languages which is a worthwhile read but I’d say before then just do your test. It only takes about 5 to 10 minutes https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

It’s great to do this to get to know yourself a bit and doing this will give you something to reflect on as you think about what you may want in your relationship now if you are in one, maybe what was missing from a previous relationship, or maybe what you will want more of in a new relationship.

Often when I speak to people talking about relationships I mention this test and I find the process of just doing it can be a process of self validation in the sense of recognising oneself and your personal preferences.

It’s a great activity for couples too because in doing the activity together you can see what each of you like and what you could maybe give more of to the other and maybe mix this with some thanks and gratitude for what you really enjoy receiving (compliments are also a great cornerstone of a relationship, that’s for another post though).

It’s not important to have the same love language, more often people don’t. What is important though is to just recognise your own and then think about how you can connect to your significant other.

The book is very helpful on the topic of love languages in that it goes into how couples in love often make the mistake of trying to give in the way they enjoy receiving love. A classic error which makes total sense. We think of ourselves and what we like so innocently reach out and do the same. It’s so sad that this can produce such a conflict and can break communication down when trying so hard to connect.

Knowing your respective love language, reflecting on it and discussing it with your significant other is a wonderful thing. Remember it’s okay to have your love language and to want your love tank to be filled in a fulfilling relationship.

Interventions like this which are quite simple can often be hugely significant.

So how did you get on ?

I was always quite inspired by the Brene Brown Ted Talk on Vulnerability. Check it out if you haven’t already. She speaks about this being our centre point of courage, creativity and innovation. It’s a lovely talk.

Vulnerability is an unusual word and I can’t help but feel when anyone hears it we think I don’t want to be vulnerable as we associate it with weakness. Brene Brown herself comments on this and takes the angle I agree with totally that it is about courage, creativity and innovation.

She writes and speaks in a very eloquent manner I can really connect with and often this pops up in my couples work with clients as we speak about their relationship and connecting showing that it is definitely not a weakness at all but in fact profound human courage.

A few days ago one of my Coaching teachers, Annie Lalla, made a video speaking on this and said about just having the word honesty rather than necessarily seeking to be vulnerable.

I hadn’t really thought of it this way before but although I totally agree with Brene Brown in the sacredness of this vulnerable sharing and that real connection point which is really beautiful I felt that the idea of just being ‘honest’ to be so much more immediately accessible and less scary while perhaps better reaching the same benefits.

When I work with clients in couples and individually a big part of the work can be the expressing of the unsaid. When we say these things in the counselling space, and to others we can be free and experience the connection of another (potentially at least).

A member of a couple will sometimes express in a session how much something did actually bother them and share that they would really love for more of x y z to take place. This is just honest. It’s being human and real. It’s an expression of the unsaid and thereby bringing about the possibility of something new.

The habit of just being honest inevitably brings about points such as the above whereas we are vulnerable as Brene Brown would say.

So I wanted to just give you this, then you can maybe reflect on your life currently, your relationship to yourself and to others and maybe you don’t need to think about if you’re being vulnerable enough or even worry about that necessarily but simply look to be honest. If you’re being as honest as you can then healthily relating to yourself and to others (and these beautiful vulnerable courageous creative moments) should be able to follow.