This is something I’ve been working on personally from workshops I’ve attended and support clients to work with this too. It’s so easy to get caught up in words. It’s the natural default in our culture. I see though that transformation often occurs when we change our way of being. When we’re facing a certain obstacle which is bothering us it’s good to examine what in us needs to come out in terms of the person we need to become.

If someone or a situation is really bothering you it shows that there is something in you which is waiting to come out. Growing is always a choice and we must choose to grow if we want to live and die without regrets.

It’s easy to get wrapped up and trapped in arguments and needing to be right to somehow prove ourselves but it’s important to look into our life more like a way of being. Who is the person who overcomes this ? What are their qualities ?

A client recently disturbed by a very argumentative acquaintance who drove them mad was recently able to take their power back and see how they needed to anchor their spirituality further and move towards their vision of service and giving. It can be powerful to keep looking into your own lack somewhere and what it is that needs to be enhanced to move over the obstacle.

A nice way to write this out is to draw a diamond and to write at the top your vision and make this as big as possible. Something that anchors you. Then in the middle of the diamond write in the person you are becoming, are you kind, a leader, intuitive. Then at the bottom of the diamond write in what you need to fuel you. Is it greater prayer, meditation, time with certain friends.

I find that by taking our power back like this we can then focus on becoming the person we need to be to overcome the obstacle we can effectively swamp out the obstacle we are getting too focussed on.

I have ordered a book recently by the name of ‘Biology of desire’. The interesting idea discussed is that addiction is not any kind of disease but rather all positive outcomes just being focussed on one thing. I’m not sure if I’ve ever thought of addiction as being a disease anyway but I often saw it as behaviour related to codependency.

The idea of the book is that to take the example of video games you could possibly play them with the feeling that there is some kind of achievement, growth, trying again and again which can then be taken to other areas. There are therefore dopamine releases taking place which are then potentially taken to another area of life. This is all fine.

However in the case of being addicted the problem is that all the dopamine releases and purely any thought around achievement etc and growth are all centred purely on the game, not anything else. This is where there is more of a withdrawal from daily life and the person can be said to be addicted.

There was an example of this on an interview where it was reported someone playing a game numerous hours a day and spoke about it from a place of brokenness of how good they were at making money on the game.

On another hand too you could say that Mark Zuckerberg was addicted to Facebook with this not really being any kind of issue since it was taking a big idea forward.

I wonder therefore if when someone has a level of dysfunction in the form of codependence if therefore due to trying to avoid the painful feelings there is then a level of focus which can take place in a space of seeming safety on the object eg the video games with all dopamine releases taking place within that and an avoidance of reality. With this not in any sense being related to any kind of ‘disease’.

The key here seems to just be emotional wellbeing then being either addicted to the right thing which takes your life forward or hobbies which could potentially take all your attention (should you have these kind of addictive tendencies) being used with goal outcomes of their applicability to life outside that.

I am looking forward to reading the book to study this idea further.

My grounding training in therapy was ‘Person Centred’ which was created mainly by Carl Rogers, amongst others. This was very different to therapy before this time which was more based on a doctor patient type of relationship with the therapist based as an expert role. It was based more on the idea of equalising power between the therapist and client with the idea that the client knew the best way forward. This was called their own ‘organismic valuing process.’ By giving conditions of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard it was believed that the client could always get in touch with this to find their own way through their presenting issues. This was a very elegant way to work and this philosophy clearly worked. I never worked purely in that way due to the length of time it can take so practiced as an integrative counsellor and now coach so I can use what best helps the clients at different times.

I have always believed though the foundation of trust, empathy and support is crucial to good outcomes. As I dip into this way of working in my sessions it’s always wonderful to see people getting in touch with their own organismic valuing process. Clients will often say ‘I’m not sure why I just started talking about that.’ The answer I often give is along the lines of ‘It seems like that way the thing that was striking you as the most important.’

It’s interesting and encouraging that deep down we know the right answers and the way forward when we are just given the right environment to be able to dip into this. I often use the term the ‘soul incubator’ to describe the space created with clients, a holding space where we create this environment to allow a space of just beingness and then to encourage creating the space to take this forward for themselves. Key ingredients here are kindness and encouragement and a forum of unconditional acceptance. A general mindful approach can always help of awareness without judgement and just recognising that whatever comes up is okay and allowing it to be. Being a bit of an archeologist here and exploring emotions as they arise can also help.

I’ve been getting a lot out of recent work I’ve been doing in generative learning.

In really taking things at the deeper level beyond the words then applying it to life to work to greater integrity.

It’s been a very unusual and ‘counterintuitive’ way to practice but something I want to get better at.

I’ve been supporting clients around this too which is great.

I’ve read so much personal developmet stuff and it was a noble enough pursuit.

The problem is we often just get more and more ideas and information without the actual growth taking place.

Taking things like anger and jealousy as emotions to experience and somehow let go causes them to become disowned in to a shadow so then they just pop up at strange times, this can then cause us to just repeat cycles which was the original reason we read the book or did the bit of ‘personal development work’ or ‘therapy’ in the first place.

It’s important to really be an archeologist when it comes to what is occuring for us. To let it rise, recognise where it may be coming from then take steps forward.

You may need help from a mentor to do this or maybe you can figure it out yourself.

Life always involves courage and coming from a gut level to some degree.

I’d definitely lost this at points with so much personal development being more activating of the head and heart.

The actual heroes journey isn’t really covered as much in psychology literature as it could be.

Carl Jung was one person who spoke about the hero as an archetype within us and different myths being based on our own images we already have inside.

For some reason work like this is very swepped under the carpet in todays Psychology courses more in favour of Maslows hierarchy of needs then the reductionist model of Freud. The importance of these stories though to me totally explains why things like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings become such a huge cultural phenomenon or why sport really takes hold of us as they activate things in us which are already present.

The heroes journey is where life really starts and ends. This is what makes life truly worth living.

In the information age we can become clouded in just words and information, don’t get me wrong information is good but the question is are you getting the right information then able to take the action to really change.

I’m learning more that constructive change takes place in a counterintuitive place. I’ve been taught this then keep experiencing it too.

I’ve been witnessing clients learning to listen to their jealousy and anger as a valid voice to honour as a part of them, also people giving a space for the part that wants to be alone. My personal counterintuitive work recently has been acknowledging my need to find the ‘right’ answer in language and just own my full self as integrally growing and learning.

I’m doing some exciting work right now in a group about noticing when we become trapped in the ‘ho hum’ of life, things just being okay, sometimes good sometimes bad, similar patterns repeating, to keep reflecting and recognising when this is occuring then figuring where the hero is often in the counterintuitive and what is needed to grow and change into the more exciting edge of life.

I want to invite you to feel into your life and where you may be in the ‘ho hum’. What does it take to activate the hero and to create something new ?